FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE SEXY SIDESHOW THAT IS THUNDER SNOW CONE—PHILADELPHIA’S OWN TRAVELING CLOWN TRIO. SMURFASAUR, SCARLETT STORM AND MIKEY MANGORILLA HAVE BEEN INSPIRING CLOWN FETISHES AND SPREADING AWKWARD BONERS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. YOU DEFINITELY WANT TO RUN AWAY WITH THIS CIRCUS, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO JUGGLE, DRINK AND PEE—SIMULTANEOUSLY! THESE LOVABLE CARNIES GUSH TO HUSTLER ABOUT MOUTH-STICKING, COTTON CANDY ORGASMS AND HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM SPACE AIDS.
HUSTLER: What can we expect to see at a Thunder Snow Cone show?
SCARLETT: We are the number one cat- and ice-cream- themed circus in the world! I realize it’s a bold claim, and I hope someday another cat and ice-cream circus will challenge us to a melty meow-off for the title. Our show is a little bit of everything…except music. Well, we do have one song, so far. It’s performed on a plastic cat piano that meows. Cat piano is the real star of the show. We have a “history” that we work in as well. In this version of reality, Smurf and I are twins from the past who were fathered by John Waters and a truck driver during a night of “Quaaludes and butt-stuff” that no one can quite remember. It’s a sort of overdramatized back story that is at least 50% true… Onstage I do burlesque, machete ladder, broken glass and the awkward-boner-inspiring “cock ring toss,” among other things. My official titles are The Mistress of Whimsy and The Circus Squeal.
SMURFASAUR: My acts are balancing on the tops of bottles on balletpoint shoes and aerial hoop mostly!
MIKEY: I pretend to do dangerous things, juggle a little bit and tell jokes while introducing other acts. All while trying to walk the fine line between juggler drunk and emcee drunk. I’m also the World’s Most Unsuccessful Banana Wrangler.