Sure, hooking up with a stranger for a night of casual groin-grinding sounds like a great idea—until you wake up in the morning with a head full of regret. Read on for some toe-curling cautionary tales.
Anyone with a peter or pussy will undoubtedly have a few humiliating stories about disastrous one-night stands. Oh, sure, you won’t hear these wild tales of debauchery at grandma’s house during little Suzie’s First Communion dinner, but make no mistake—those stories are out there, and some of them will make your toes curl—and not in a good way.
A one-night stand can be a sticky-icky thrill ride of spontaneity, fun and shit-tons of regret. If a person has lived any kind of life at all, they understand that these impromptu rounds of slap and tickle are often spoiled as early as the cock crows— or as it cowers like a wounded animal inside a pair of crusted up Fruit of the Looms, wondering what in the hell it has done to deserve such low-rent surroundings.
“I woke up with a real humdinger of a hangover one morning and in a strange bed. It wasn’t long before I noticed that I was there with some dude,” 37-year-old Duncan from Birmingham, Alabama, tells HUSTLERMagazine.com. “At least I thought it was a dude, even though I was praying that it wasn’t. When I pulled the covers back, it wasn’t a guy, but a bald woman—one of those rough-looking girls with bad tattoos of ex-boyfriends who looks like she was bottle-fed Jack Daniel’s and has been smoking menthol cigarettes since she was five.”
While Duncan’s recollection of the ill-conceived fling remains hazy to this day, the aftermath was enough to make him sick to his stomach—quite literally.
“I don’t remember all the putrid details of that night; all I know is my mouth tasted like nicotine patches and shame,” he continues. “I managed to sneak out without waking her, but I was in the middle of nowhere. My car wasn’t around, so I had to walk several miles back to town. It was like 90 degrees outside, and I kept puking along the side of the road in the weeds. All I kept thinking about was how I hope I didn’t get that one pregnant. There was no way I’d ever be able to explain that ugly fucking kid to my family and friends.”
“When I left, I had chewing tobacco in my pubic hair. It was so disgusting. I’ve regretted it ever since.”
