Jokes

Kate and Victor were lying in bed after having sex. Kate looked at her husband and thought, What a twit! He’s clueless that I’ve been fucking his best friend.

As Victor gazed at his wife, he asked himself, Why does Kate’s pussy taste like Steve’s dick?

After a movie date, Joey took his girlfriend Sylvia home around… midnight and was feeling horny. Brimming with confidence, he leaned his arm against the door frame and asked, “Will you give me a blowjob?”

Sylvia was horrified. “Are you crazy?!” she yelped. “My parents will see us!”

“Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” Joey responded. “Everyone’s sleeping.”

“It’s too risky,” Sylvia insisted.

“I love you, darling,” Joey said. “Please suck my dick. It’s ready to burst.”

“I love you too,” his girlfriend echoed, “but I can’t do it. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

Suddenly the porch light came on, and Sylvia’s sister opened the door. Wearing pajamas and her hair a mess, she told Syl -via in a sleepy voice, “Dad said to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it himself. But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the fucking intercom.”

Jed got married before ever being intimate with his virgin fiancée or any woman. On the hillbilly’s wedding night he called his father for some advice. “Loretta and I are in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?”

Thinking that nature would take its course, Jed’s dad barked, “Take off all her clothes and get in bed!”

Five minutes later Jed called back and reported, “Loretta’s nekkid, and we’re in bed. What do we do now?”
Knowing that his son wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, Jed’s father asked, “Did you take off all your clothes too?”

“No, Pa.”

“Well, take off your clothes and get back in bed with Loretta.”

A few minutes later Jed called back and said, “We’re both nekkid and in bed. What do we do now, Pa?”
The father’s patience was quickly running out. He growled, “Stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees.”

Several minutes passed before Jed called again. “Okay, Pa, I’ve got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?”

The first-grade teacher, Ms. Brown, asked her class to share something exciting that had happened at home over the weekend. Little Johnny immediately raised his hand, making the teacher nervous. The tyke could be a tad crude at times. But he was the only kid with his hand up, so Ms. Brown felt she had no choice.

She invited Johnny to share his exciting news. He walked up to the chalk-board and drew a small dot.

Ms. Brown asked, “What’s that?” “A period,” Johnny replied.

“Yes, I can see that,” the teacher murmured, “but what’s so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” Johnny muttered. “But on Sunday after church my sister said she missed one, which caused my dad to have a heart attack, my mom to faint and the minister to go into his office and shoot himself.”

A Catholic man confessed to his priest, “I missed a short putt while golfing yesterday and said a four-letter word.”

“How short?” the priest inquired.

“An inch and a half.”

“Holy shit!” the priest cried out. “How the fuck could you miss that putt?!”

The boss had to lay somebody off, and he narrowed the list down to Mary or Jack. It was a hard decision because both were excellent employees. Rather than flip a coin, the boss decided he would fire the first one who used the water fountain the next day,

Mary came to work the next morning with a horrendous hangover. She immediately went to the water fountain to take some aspirin. The boss approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off?” Mary murmured. “I feel like shit this morning.”

Tina ran out to the yard, where her father was about to start cutting the grass. “Daddy, what’s sex?” the little girl asked.

Her startled father sat Tina down and told her about the birds and the bees. Then he thought, What the hell? He mentioned intercourse, conception, sperm and eggs. Covering a wide range of topics, he went on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet dreams. By the time her father was finished, little Tina was awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Finally her dad asked, “Why did you want to know about sex today?”

Tina replied, “Oh, I almost forgot. Mommy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in a couple of secs.”

Question: What do you call a gay guy from the Deep South?

Answer: A homo-sex-y’all.

Kristin’s husband Daniel always insisted on making love in the dark. After obliging him for 20 years, Kristin finally turned on a bedroom light one night and found Daniel holding a huge dildo. “You impotent, limp-dicked bastard!” she screamed. “How could you deceive me all these years?!”

Daniel looked his wife straight in the eye and calmly said, “I’ll explain the dildo; you explain the kids.”

Sam announced to his wife, “Amy, I’ve got a problem.”

“No, dear, we have a problem,” Amy responded. “We are married, we are a unit, and your problem is my problem. We are in this together.”

Overwhelmed, not to mention very relieved, Sam muttered, “It’s hardly worth mentioning now.”

But Amy was insistent. “What’s the problem?” she demanded.

Sam then admitted, “We got your sister pregnant.”

A freight train hit a bus carrying Catholic schoolgirls, and they all perished.

After ascending to heaven, the girls lined up and were greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Pointing to one girl, he asked, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

Jessica giggled, then shyly answered, “I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
Saint Peter said, “Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates.”
He next asked another arrival, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

The girl was a tad reluctant but finally confessed, “One time I fondled and stroked a penis.”

Saint Peter remarked, “Okay, dip your entire hand in the holy water and pass through the gates.”

All of a sudden there was some com-motion in the line, and a girl pushed her way to the front. “Lisa!” Saint Peter bel-lowed. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“If I’m gonna have to gargle that holy water,” Lisa explained, “I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”

One Sunday morning an old woman named Agnes got to her church service late because she couldn’t find her hearing aid. Not wanting to be noticed, Agnes sat in the back pew.

As the pastor continued his sermon, he said, “I want everyone who has committed the sin of adultery to stand up.”

“What did the pastor just say?” Agnes asked the teenager sitting beside her.

“He said if anyone wants a mint, stand up,” the lad replied.

Without a care in the world, Agnes stood up—no one else had—and approached the altar. Outraged, the pastor demanded to know why she was standing.

“I may be old and toothless,” Agnes admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken intervened.

“Don’t do it, man!” the chicken exclaimed. “You’ll never hear the end of it!”

Ronald died and went straight to hell. Satan greeted the lech and declared, “You have to pick your torment. Pick wisely because this will be your torment for all of eternity.”

After going through dozens of rooms, Ronald couldn’t decide until he came upon one that looked promising. A man was sitting on a couch, watching a football game on TV and getting a blowjob from a gorgeous cheerleader.

“That’s what I want to do for eternity,” Ronald told Satan.

“Are you sure?” the devil prodded. “This will be your torment for all of eternity.”

“Hell, yeah, Satan!” Ronald screamed hysterically.

With a sinister grin, Satan stepped over to the cheerleader and said, “You can stop sucking that guy’s cock now. I found someone to replace you.”

Fiona hadn’t been home for more than three years. When the Irish lass finally returned, her father yelled, “Where have you been all this time?! Why didn’t you call us or send a postcard? Your mother has been worried sick.”

Starting to weep, Fiona explained, “I was too embarrassed to tell you, Daddy. I became a prostitute.”

“Out of here, you shameless hussy!” her father roared. “You’re a disgrace to this strong Catholic family!”

“Aye, Daddy,” Fiona murmured, “as you wish. I just came back to give Mum a fur coat and you and Mum the deed to an eight-bedroom mansion, a membership at the Limerick Country Club and a check for 5 million Euros. I also have a Rolex watch for me little brother Seamus, and parked outside is a sparkling new Mercedes convertible for you.”

Fiona caught her breath and added, “And I’d like you all to spend the holidays with me in the Caribbean on my yacht.”

Fiona’s father was flabbergasted. “Now, dear, what was it you said you became?” he asked.

“A prostitute, Daddy. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, good heavens!” the Irishman bellowed. “You scared me half to death, Fiona. I thought you said Protestant. Come here and give your old daddy a hug.”

While making his rounds, a policeman checked out a used-car lot and spotted two elderly women sitting in one of the vehicles. Since the business was closed for the day, he walked over and muttered, “This looks suspicious. Are you ladies planning to steal this car?”

“Heavens no!” Esther shrieked. “We bought it!”

“Why didn’t you drive it away?” the cop asked.

“We can’t drive, Officer,” Esther’s friend Mabel confessed.

“So why did you buy this clunker?” the flatfoot grunted.

Esther explained, “We were told that if we bought a used car here, we’d get screwed. We’re just waiting.”

Late one night Pete and Vance were having beers at a bar when a touchy subject came up. “I don’t know what else to do,” Pete grumbled. “Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the drive-way, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take off my shoes, tiptoe up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. But as I ease into bed, my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”

Vance looked at his flustered buddy and said, “You’re taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet and jump into bed. Then I slap my wife on the ass and say, ‘Hi, honey. Are you as horny as I am?’ And she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Dave was recovering from a knee operation when his pal Tony dropped by. “How are you doing, dude?” he asked.

“I’m hanging in there,” Dave replied, “but do me a favor. Run up the stairs and get my slippers. My feet are freezing.”

Tony went up and saw Dave’s 19-year-old twin daughters lying on their beds. “Hi, girls,” he said. “Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you.”

“Prove it!” one of the twins exclaimed. Standing in the doorway, Tony shouted, “Hey, Dave! Both of them?!”

“Of course both of them,” Dave fired back. “What good is fucking one?!”

Question: How do you get Jehovah’s WItnesses to quickly scram when they come to your door?

Answer: Ask them if they came by for the orgy.

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife instead of calling her. He accidentally typed the wrong address, and the message was sent to a widow who had just returned home after her husband’s funeral.

Expecting condolences from her relatives and friends, the widow checked her emails. After reading the first queued message, she fainted.

A short while later one of her sons found the woman passed out. Then he noticed the computer monitor, which dis-played this message: “To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me. I’ve just checked in. How are you and the boys? This place is really nice, but I’m very lonely. I have made the necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. I’ll be expecting you, darling. I can’t wait to see you.”

Alan felt sorry for the psychiatrist he saw performing at a county fair. The shrink hypnotized seven men, then dropped his mic and yelled, “Fuck me!” What ensued will haunt Alan and hundreds of fairgoers for the rest of their lives.

While dining at a ritzy restaurant, Rex noticed a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a nearby table. The dapper businessman summoned a waiter and asked him to send her an expensive bottle of merlot.

As the waiter delivered the wine, he pointed to Rex and said, “This is a gift from one of our regular patrons.”

The beauty looked over, then decided to write a note for the waiter to bring back to Rex: “For me to accept this bottle of wine, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and a seven-inch cock in your pants.”

After reading the note, Rex had the waiter deliver this message: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarossa, BMW 850iL and Mercedes 560SEL in my garage and 20 million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as gorgeous as you would I cut off three inches.”

Fred and Mary got married, but they couldn’t afford a honeymoon. So they spent their wedding night at Fred’s parents’ home. In the morning the groom’s kid brother Johnny was ready to head to school. Before leaving, he asked his mother if Fred and Mary were up yet.

“No,” she replied.

“Wanna know what I think?” Johnny asked.

“I don’t want to know what you think,” his mom replied. “Just go to school.”

When Johnny came home for lunch, he asked her, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

“No,” she told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“No, I don’t!” his mom snapped. “Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

As soon as Johnny came home after school, he again asked about Fred and Mary.

“They’re not up yet,” his mom told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“Okay, Johnny, tell me what you think.”

“Last night Fred came to my room and asked for some Vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane glue!”

Chet was lying on the examination table when the female doctor asked, “How’s your libido?”

“My what?!” Chet exclaimed.

“Libido,” the doc repeated. “Do you feel like having sex?”

“Okay,” Chet replied, “but we’ll have to be quick. My wife is waiting in the car.”

A man went to the police station and asked to speak with the burglar who’d broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” the desk sergeant gruffly informed him.

“No, no, no!” the man hollered. “I need to know how the guy got into my house without waking up my wife! I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Morris told his girlfriend, “I want a quickie.”

“As opposed to what?!” she snapped.

One evening, thinking he was being funny, Joey said to his wife Maria, “We should start washing your clothes in SlimFast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt.”

Maria wasn’t amused, and she wouldn’t let such a nasty comment go unnoticed.

The next morning Joey grabbed a pair of boxers out of his dresser drawer. What the heck is this? he thought as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook the boxers loose before putting them on.

“Maria,” he hollered, “why did you put baby powder in my underwear?!”

Giggling, his wife replied, “It’s not baby powder…it’s Miracle Grow.”

A reporter for a local TV station was interviewing 82-year-old Ethel who’d just married for the fourth time. After delving into her backstory and what it felt like being a bride again at her age, the reporter asked, “What is your new husband’s occupation?”

“He’s a funeral director,” Ethel replied.

Finding that strangely interesting, the reporter went on, “What did your other husbands do for a living?”

Ethel took a few moments to reflect on her previous mates. “I married a banker when I was 19,” she recalled, “a circus ringmaster when I was 42 and a preacher when I was 66.”

Astonished, the reporter then asked, “Why did you marry men with such diverse careers?”

Ethel smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”

It was the couple’s first role-play night, and Jerry’s wife wore a police uniform to bed. “You’re charged with being a great lover,” she told her hubby. Ninety seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.