Jokes

After meeting a sexy young woman at a local bar, lucky Henry was invited back to her place, where they engaged in a night of passionate, raunchy sex. She could be the one, thought Henry. The next morning, as he dressed, he noticed a picture of a handsome, fit man on the dresser. Henry began to worry that the man might be the woman’s jealous boy friend or husband.

“Excuse me,” Henry asked, gently waking his lover. “Who is that a picture of? It’s not your husband, is it?” “Oh, no,” said the woman. “That was me before the operation.” 

A doctor and his wife spent the night arguing. Just before he walked out the door, he shouted, “Just so you know, you give lousy head.” Later, feeling remorseful for his harsh words, he called home to apologize. The phone rang and rang.

When she finally picked up, the doctor asked, “What took you so long? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours!” “I was busy,” she replied. “Doing what?” “Getting a second opinion.”  

Gina, a beautiful, voluptuous woman, went to a gynecologist. After taking one look at her, the doctor’s professionalism went right out the window. Right away he asked her to undress.

As she took off her dress and panties, he began to stroke her thighs. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asked, looking intently at his patient. “Yes,” she said. “You’re checking the exterior of my vagina for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is correct,” said the doctor.

He began fondling her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied. “You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “That’s right,” nodded the doctor.

He undid his zipper, pulled down his pants and began to fuck the woman. “And do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes. Getting herpes.”     

A hungry man went into a restaurant and sat down to place his order. “I want a quickie,” he told the waitress. She slapped his face. “Please, all I want is a quickie!” She slapped him again and walked away.

He got the attention of a second waitress. “What is it gonna take before one of you girls gives me a simple quickie?” This waitress slapped him even harder and pointed him to the door.

As the bewildered man made his way out, a diner leaned over and said, “It’s pronounced kee-sh.”    

Question: What do video games and HUSTLER have in common?

Answer: They both improve eye-hand coordination.    

Question: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?

Answer: “Are you sure that it’s mine?”     

Question: Why do men often pass away years before their wives?

Answer: They want to.  

Eric was making out with his new girlfriend when she placed his hand on her pussy. “Put a finger inside me,” she whispered. He slid his finger into her snatch. “Put two fingers in,” she moaned. So he did.

Really getting into it now, the gal moaned, “put your whole hand in!” Eric did as he was told.

“Put your other hand inside me,” she screamed. And he did. “Now clap your hands,” she commanded.

“I can’t,” he said.

His girlfriend sat up and smiled triumphantly. “See? I told you my pussy was tight!”

Question: What do you get when you get sand in a condom?

Answer: An organ grinder. 

“I’m afraid you are dying,” the doctor told his patient.

“How long have I got?” asked the alarmed patient.

“The doctor opened his mouth to speak. “Ten —“

“Ten what?! Oh, God!” the patient interrupted. “Ten months? Ten weeks? Ten days?”

The doctor continued, “Ten, nine, eight, seven…”

“What the hell are you doing?” shrieked Sally when her boyfriend began screwing her more roughly than he ever had before. “Trying to get your balls in too?”

“Fuck no,” he groaned in response. “I’m trying to get them out!”

Question: What’s the difference between lawyers and iPhones?

Answer: Lawyers don’t get more intelligent and less expensive every year. 

Kate and Alice were having lunch together when the conversation turned to the topic of cosmetic surgery. Slightly embarrassed, Kate told her friend, “I’m thinking off getting a boob job.”

Alice said, “Oh, honey, don’t you be embarrassed! That’s nothing! I’m thinking of getting my asshole bleached.”

Furrowing her brow, Kate stayed silent for several minutes.

“What’s wrong? Did I shock you?” asked Alice.

“Oh, no,” Kate replied. “I’m just having a really difficult time imagining your husband as a blond.”

Question: How do you get a blonde up off her knees?

Answer: Come. 

After church one Sunday, Patrick stopped to shake the good preacher’s hand.

“Vicar, I’ll tell you, that was a damn fine sermon. Damn fine!” he gushed.

“Thank you, sir,” said the vicar, “but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”

“I’m sorry,” Patrick apologized, “I was just so excited by that sermon that I put $5,000 in the offering plate.”

“No fucking shit?”

Out shopping with his wife, Morty picked up a case of beer and placed it in their grocery cart. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” asked his wife. “They’re on sale,” he shrugged. “Only $10 for 24 cans. It’s a bargain.” “Put them back. We can’t afford it,” insisted his wife. They continued shopping.

A few aisles down the wife picked up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replied the wife. Removing the offending item from the cart, Morty retorted, “So do 24 cans of beer, and they’re half the price!”   

Harry went to his doctor, only to find that his regular male practitioner had been replaced by a stunning female. Harry gawked at her, then felt self-conscious in his paper gown.

His new doctor smiled and told him, “There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s bothering you. Whatever it is, I’ll do my best to give you a thorough going over.” Thinking quickly, Harry lifted his gown over his head and announced, “My wife thinks my cock tastes funny!” 

Spotting a fantastic-looking older woman sitting at the bar, John thought, Not bad. I wonder if she has a daughter. A few minutes later, to his surprise, the woman approached him. “I couldn’t help notice you staring at me,” she said. “You wouldn’t happen to be interested in a mother-daughter thing, would you?”

Stunned, John stammered, “As a matter of fact, I would be.” “Really?” The dazzling woman smiled. “So that’s something you would be interested in?” “Are you kidding?” John put down his drink and nodded vigorously. “Absolutely! Let’s go!” Looking back over her shoulder, the woman gave the thumbs-up sign and yelled, “Hey, Mom!”    

A man came home sporting a new pair of cowboy boots. He anticipated admiring compliments from his wife, but she appeared not to even notice. That same evening he marched into the bedroom naked except for the fancy footwear.

“It’s time you paid attention to what my dick is pointing at,” he said, striking a pose. Glancing down at his new boots, she shrugged and muttered, “It’s too bad you didn’t buy yourself a hat instead.”   

Question: How do they say, “Fuck you” in Washington, D.C.?

Answer: “Trust me.”    

Question: How do you save a drowning lawyer?

Answer: Stand back and wait for the lake to fully evaporate.

After 15 long years, Ted finally escaped from prison and broke into a house looking for money and guns. Finding a young couple asleep, he forced the man out of bed and tied him to a chair.

Then he secured the woman’s arms to the bedposts, climbed on top of her and began nuzzling her neck and ears as her boyfriend watched in terror. After a minute the prisoner got up and went to the bathroom.

“Sweetie, I know you must feel sick letting that man kiss you like that, but look at his clothes!” whispered the boyfriend.

“He’s an escaped convict! He could be a cold-blooded killer, so do whatever he tells you. If he wants sex, satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. If you resist, he might go nuts and murder us both! Be strong. I love you.”

“He wasn’t kissing me,” explained his girlfriend. “He was whispering in my ear. He told me he’s gay and thinks you’re cute. He asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.”    

Harry and Fred were called to the morgue to identify their buddy Joe’s body. When the mortician pulled back the sheet, Harry and Fred struggled to recognize Joe’s charred, disfigured remains.

“Hard to say. He’s pretty well burnt up,” winced Harry.

“Can you turn him over?” asked Fred.

So the mortician rolled the corpse over.

“That’s not Joe,” said Harry confidently. Our Joe had two assholes.”

“What! Two assholes?” marveled the mortician. “Are you sure?”

”Positive,” said Fred. “He ain’t never let us see ’em, but wherever we went, people always said, ‘There goes Joe with those two assholes.’”   

A homeless man strode into a bank and told the teller, “I want to open a goddamn checking account.”

“Excuse me?” asked the woman.

“I said I want to open a motherfucking checking account!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.”

“I’m not leaving without a fucking checking account.”

Shaking her head in disapproval, the woman signaled to the bank manager.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked the manager.

“There’s no problem,” said the bum. “I just won 100 million bucks in the lottery, and I want to open a checking account in this goddamn bank!”

“I see,” said the manager. “And this fucking bitch is giving you a hard time?”  

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines religious war as a violent disagreement over who has the better imaginary friend.   

Question: Why do divorces cost so damn much?

Answer: Because they’re worth it.   

Question: What’s the worst thing about the rising unemployment rate?

Answer: It’s hard to fuck your girlfriend when her husband’s always home.

A newspaper reporter visited a local couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary to ask about the secret to their long and happy marriage. The husband confided, “Well, I’d say it dates back to our honeymoon. We rode by horse to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but we hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled. My wife stared at the horse and said quietly, ‘That’s once.’ A little farther down the trail her horse stumbled again, and this time she nearly fell off. ‘That’s twice,’ she muttered. Half a mile more, and the horse tripped for the third time. My new bride climbed down from the horse, calmly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the animal dead.

“’What the hell is wrong with you, woman?’ I shouted. ‘Why did you shoot that poor horse like that? Are you fucking insane?’

“My wife just stared at me and said quietly, ‘That’s once.’ And since then we’ve been happily married.”  

In tears, Mary Clancy went up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service.

“Oh, Father, I’ve got just awful news! My husband passed away last night.”

“I’m so sorry, Mary. That’s terrible. Tell me, my dear, did he have any last requests?”

“That he did.”

The priest put his arm around Mary. “And what did he ask for, my child?”

“He said, ‘Mary, please! Put down that damn gun!’”