Jokes

A gunman wearing a mask walked into a sperm bank and ordered the nurse to open the vault.

“But, sir,” she said. “We’re just a sperm bank. There’s no money back there.”

“Do it now,” he yelled.

The nurse opened the vault, which was filled with test tube vials.

“Take one and drink it,” demanded the crazed man.

“But it’s sperm,” she pleaded.

“If you don’t drink it right now, I will blow your head off!”

She opened the vial, put it to her lips and swallowed the contents.

“Good. Now keep going till I tell you to stop,” he commanded.

Finally, after she’d swallowed four or five samples, the man pulled off his ski mask and smiled. The nurse was shocked to see her husband standing before her.

“See?” he said. “Was that so difficult?”

An employment clerk in New Orleans was reviewing Bubba’s application form. Noting the figures “124” and “134” in the spaces reserved for “Age of Father, if Living,” and “Age of Mother, if Living,” he asked in amazement, “Hey, Bubba. Are your parents really that old?”

“They would be, if living.”

Question: How do you know that you’ve received a letter from a leper?

Answer: His tongue is on the envelope. 

On her first visit home from college, Mary was having a heart-to-heart with her mother.

“I have to tell you,” Mary confessed, “I lost my virginity the day I got there.”

“It was bound to happen,” said her mother. “I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience for you.”

“The first 11 guys felt great, but after them, my pussy started to get sore.”

The owner of a local bar believed himself to be the strongest man around. To prove it, the bar offered a standing $2,000 bet: The owner would squeeze a lemon until all of its juice ran out into a glass, then toss the juiced lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop would win the prize money.

Weight lifters, lumberjacks, longshoremen and other professional strongmen took the challenge, but no one could outsqueeze the brawny owner.

One night a scrawny, little man came into the bar and announced, “I’d like to try the bet.” Everyone laughed as the bar owner squeezed the lemon and handed it to the man, but the joint fell silent as the tiny man squeezed out seven more drops.

“Whoa!” exclaimed the flabbergasted owner. “What do you do for a living? Wrestler? UFC fighter?”

“IRS agent.”

Question: Why do trees in Wisconsin lean to the south?

Answer: Because Minnesota blows and Illinois sucks.

A third-grade teacher said, “Class, today I would like one of you to use definitely in a sentence.”

A little girl raised her hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.”

“Not exactly,” the teacher corrected. “Sometimes the sky is gray, and at night it’s black. Can anyone else use the word definitely in a sentence?”

Another student raised his hand and announced, “Leaves are definitely green.”

“Close,” the teacher replied. “But remember, in fall they turn all different colors: yellow, orange, red and brown. Does anybody else want to try?”

A boy sitting in the back row raised his hand hesitantly. “Are farts wet and lumpy?” he asked.

“No,” said the teacher.

The boy broke into a confident smile. “Then I definitely just shit my pants!”

An Irishman was seated next to a Mormon on a flight from London. When the plane reached cruising altitude, the flight attendant came around to take drink orders.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant asked the Mormon if he’d like a drink. The Irishman turned to his Mormon neighbor and smiled. “Come on, then. Won’t ye join me for a swalley of the good stuff?”

“I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips,” replied the disgusted Mormon.

The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Question: How do you recognize a mentally challenged rape suspect?

Answer: He steps out of the police lineup and shouts, “That’s the girl!”

John telephoned a mail-order sex doll merchant and said, “I want to order a blow-up doll, but I want one that’s truly realistic.”

“I have just the thing,” the supplier said, “our Real-Life Tina. She’s so realistic, you can’t tell the difference between Tina and a real woman.”

John ordered the doll.

As the supplier retrieved the doll from the shelf, he stopped to admire it. He couldn’t believe how realistic Real-Life Tina was, so he decided to blow it up. Once the doll was inflated, he got turned on. What the hell, he thought. He had sex with the doll. Afterward he cleaned the doll, neatly repackaged it, and mailed it out to John.

A month later John telephoned the mail-order merchant. “You know that lifelike Tina doll you sent me?”

The merchant began to sweat. “Yes?” he asked nervously. “Was there a problem? Wasn’t she realistic?”

“Realistic?” exclaimed John. “She’s so realistic, I got genital warts!”

Question: What’s the difference between a lawyer and sperm?

Answer: Sperm has a one in a million chance of turning into a human being.

A man walked into a pharmacy. “I’d like six condoms, miss,” he said, addressing the woman behind the counter.

“Don’t ‘miss’ me,” she snapped.

“Okay,” the man replied. “I guess you’d better make it seven then.”

Tim and Dean were stranded in the desert. They hadn’t eaten in days. As they crawled in the hot sun, Tim saw a vulture’s rotting carcass crawling with maggots.

“Food!” exclaimed Tim. He sat down to eat the rotting flesh.

“I’m not eating that,” said Dean in disgust. Soon Tim began violently throwing up the vulture and maggots.

Staring at the steaming pile of vomit, Dean licked his lips. “Finally! A hot meal!”

After playing 18 holes at a golf course in rural Ireland, Rory McIlroy drove his new Mercedes to a gas station to fuel up. An attendant greeted him in a typical Irish manner.

“Top o’ the morning to ya.”

As Rory got out of the car, two tees fell from his pocket.

The attendant stooped down to retrieve them. “What are these things, laddie?” he inquired.

“They’re called tees,” replied Rory.

“And what would ya be using ’em for, now?” asked the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” Rory explained.

“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” the Irish attendant exclaimed. “Those fellahs at Mercedes think of everything!”

Question: Why did God Almighty give man a brain?

Answer: Nobody knows.

After his divorce, Larry found himself in the strange position of having to buy condoms, something he hadn’t had to do for over 30 years. Overwhelmed by the vast selection at his local drugstore, Larry turned to the man behind the counter for advice.

The pharmacist took Larry through the contraceptive aisle, extolling the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, nonlubricated, colored, flavored, glow-in-the-dark, magnumsize and more until finally Larry asked him to stop.

“Can you just tell me what you’d recommend?” whispered Larry.

“The condom made of lamb intestine,” replied the pharmacist. “It has a very natural feel.”

Larry took a distrustful step back. “Not to us city boys!”

Question: What do you call a prostitute with her hand up her skirt?

Answer: Self-employed.

An Israeli man went to visit his brother in the hospital. When he saw that his brother’s private parts were wrapped in large bandages, he exclaimed, “Benny! What happened to you?”

His brother looked sheepish. “I went to a sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll. When I got home with it, the fucking thing blew itself up!”

John was in an airport restroom, sitting on a toilet when the guy in the next stall called out, “Hi! How the hell are you?”

“Um, good, I guess,” said John.

“So what are you up to?” asked the oth er man. Not wanting to appear unfriendly, John explained hesitantly, “I’m traveling to Phoenix on business.”

“Mind if I stop over? I can make it really quick, but I’d really like to see you.”

“What? Why the hell would you do that? Stay right where you are!”

“Hey, I’ll call you back,” said the man in the next stall. “The fucking dipshit next door keeps talking to me.”

Question: What’s the best part about having a female boss?

Answer: You make more money than she does.

Jessica decided it would be nice to volunteer at nursing homes and hospitals. So she took her keyboard along to the local nursing home, where she sat at patients’ bedsides singing songs and telling jokes. Bidding the bedridden farewell, the young woman said, “I hope you get better.”

Replied one elderly man, “I hope you get fucking better too!”

Question: What is the most common cause of cancer in rats?

Answer: Human researchers.

A young college student noticed a smiling old man sitting on a park bench. Moved by his serene, wrinkled face, she approached him and said, “I’m a psychology major. We’re studying human development and aging. I can’t help but notice how youthful and happy you look. You’re beaming! What’s your secret?”

“I smoke whenever I want, drink as much as I want, eat everything I want. I don’t exercise, and I party for weeks at a time,” he told her.

“That’s amazing! How old are you?”

“Twenty-eight,” he answered proudly.

Question: Why didn’t Hillary just divorce Bill?

Answer: She couldn’t find a way to do it without making him happy.

Question: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers?

Answer: New Jersey got to pick first.

Ted opened his front door to a knock from a police officer. “Is there a problem, Officer?” Ted asked the solemn-faced cop.

“Are you Theodore Cole?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have any recent pictures of your wife?”

Ted found a picture and handed it to the officer. After looking at the photo, the officer said, “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks as though your wife has been hit by a truck.”

“I know,” Ted admitted. “But the thing is, she has a great personality, and she can cook.”

To celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, John took his wife Mary to the hotel where they’d honeymooned all those years ago. As Mary was undressing, she gazed at John fondly and asked, “That night when you saw me standing naked in front of you for the first time, what were you thinking?”

“That all I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry,” replied John. He paused, taking a few moments to look over his wife. “Looks like I did a pretty good job.”

In an attempt to spice up their boring sex life, a wife bought herself a pair of crotchless panties. She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the couch opposite her husband. At strategic moments, she uncrossed her legs enough times that finally her husband noticed. “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” he asked.

“Yes,” she answered with a sexy smile.

“Thank God,” he said. “I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

Question: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: Who knows? They never get to keep the house.