Jokes

Question: What do a brick and a fat girl have in common?

Answer: Eventually they both get laid by a Mexican.

Joe was standing in a bar when a big man walked up to him and asked, “Is your name Joseph Smith?”

“Yes.”

“Were you in Chicago last month?”

“Just a minute,” said Joe. He took out his cell phone and scrolled through his calendar. “Yeah, I was in Chicago a few weeks ago.”

“Did you stay at the Sherman Inn?”

Joe checked his phone again. “I did.”

“Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who was staying in Room 214?”

Joe smiled. “I’ll say I knew her.”

The guy squared his chest. “Well, I’m Mr. Wentworth, and I don’t fucking like it.”

Nodding slowly, Joe scrolled through his phone, checking his notes. “You know, you’re right. I didn’t fucking like it either.”

“What would you do if I won the lottery,” a woman asked her husband.

“Take half and leave your fat ass.”

“Great,” replied his smiling wife. “I won 12 bucks. Here’s six. Now get out!”

Two diplomats were stopped by a social scientist, who asked them to participate in a survey on sexual customs. “You open the door and find a beautiful naked woman. Where would you kiss her?” asked the scientist.

“On the cheek,” answered the British diplomat.

“She steps into the room and closes the door. Where would you kiss her?”

“On the mouth,” the Brit answered.

The scientist turned to the Frenchman. “Now she pushes you on the bed. Pierre, where would you kiss her?”

“Don’t ask me, mon ami. I would have been wrong ze last two times.”

Mary the town drunk stumbled onto a baptismal service by the river. The minister called her over. “Miss Mary, are you ready to find Jesus?”

“You bet,” she slurred.

He pushed her under the water. “Praise the Lord,” he shouted as he pulled her up. “Have you found Jesus?”

“No, I sure didn’t,” Mary said, swaying.

The holy man dunked her again. “Sister, now have you found Jesus?”

“Not yet.”

This time the priest held her head under the water for a considerable time. “Sinner,” he cried, lifting her out of the river, “have you still not found Jesus?”

Mary wiped her eyes. “Nope. Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

John was mowing his yard when his attractive blond neighbor walked out of her house and over to the mailbox. She opened it, peered in, slammed it shut and stormed back home. Five minutes later the woman came back out and repeated the entire scenario.

As John prepared to trim his hedges, the blonde again marched out to check her still empty mailbox. Puzzled by her actions, he called to the enraged woman. “Something wrong?”

“There sure is,” she said, stomping her feet. “My stupid computer keeps telling me, ‘You’ve got mail!’”

Question: Why do men tend to laugh when they fart?

Answer: It tickles their brain on the way out.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day and was greeted by a young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the eager salesman. “If I could have a few minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuums.”

“Beat it,” said the woman. “I don’t have any money. I’m broke.”

She tried closing the door, but the man wedged his way in. “Don’t be so hasty,” he said. “At least see my demonstration.” And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure on the floor. “If this machine doesn’t remove every last trace, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The granny stepped back and smiled. “I hope you brought your appetite. They cut off my electricity this morning.”

Bill went to an expensive lingerie boutique to buy a negligee for his girlfriend. He was shown several and opted for the most expensive, a pink little number that set him back $500. When he got home, he asked his wom an to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

This is so sheer, it might as well be nothing, she thought. When she saw the price tag, she decided not to put it on and to do the modeling naked, figuring she could return the negligee the next day and keep the $500 for herself. She stood at the top of the stairs naked, called for Bill and struck a pose.

“For fuck’s sake!” exclaimed the disappointed boyfriend. “You’d think for $500 bucks they’d at least iron out the wrinkles.”

“It’s amazing,” said the blonde, looking up from her newspaper. “The Lord gets it right every time.”

“How’s that?” asked her husband.

“Folks always die in alphabetical order.”

An Amish husband, wife and son visited a mall for the first time. While the mother shopped, father and son stood mystified in front of an elevator.

An elderly lady entered the strange, silvery closet. They watched in awe as the doors slid shut behind her and the numbers above moved up and back down. When the doors opened, a beautiful young woman stepped out.

“Quick, son—go get your mother!”

Question: What has four legs and one arm?

Answer: A pit bull at recess.

George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton were on a plane together when it began to go down. The plane crashed, and the victims found themselves at the gates of Heaven. “Who are you?” boomed God to George Bush Senior.

“I’m George Bush. I used to be President of the United States.” “Good, my son. You may sit on my left. And who are you?” God asked, turning to Bill Clinton.

“I’m Bill Clinton. I was President of the United States when the plane went down.”

“Good, my son. You may sit here on my right. And you?” God inquired of Hillary.

“I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton, God. I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”

Question: What was President George W. Bush’s position on Roe v. Wade?

Answer: He didn’t care how the people got out of New Orleans.

A man finally decided to have a sex-change operation. Months later she was greeted by two of her friends. Both men congratulated her on her appearance and began questioning her about the most painful aspect of the grueling operation.

“Lopping off your dick must have been the worst part,” one said, wincing.

“Um,” she pondered, “not really.”

“Whacking off your balls,” decided the other man, shaking his head in sympathy.

“Yes, that was pretty awful,” she said, “but not the worst.”

“What was worse than that?”

“Getting my salary cut in half.”

God became so fed up with the state of international affairs that He decided to destroy the world. So He gathered George Bush, Mikhail Gorbachev and Yitzhak Shamir and commanded each of them to tell their people in their own way.

President Bush went on prime-time TV. “My fellow Americans, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is that He is going to destroy the world.”

President Gorby made his announcement at a Politburo meeting. “Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, there is a God. The worse news is that He is going to destroy the world.”

Prime Minister Shamir spoke before the Knesset. “My fellow Israelis, I have good news and great news. The good news is, there is a God. The great news is that there will be no Palestinian state.”

As a Mormon running for President of the United States, Republican candidate Mitt Romney decided to give a speech to allay fears that his religious beliefs would influence his decision-making as President.

“I believe in my Mormon faith,” Romney began, “and endeavor to live by it. My faith is the faith of my father and of my mother and of my mother and of my mother and of my mother…”

Question: What’s worse than being married to John Wayne Bobbitt?

Answer: Being divorced from O.J. “The Juice” Simpson.

Vice President Dan Quayle excitedly told his wife, “Can you believe this, dear? I finished this jigsaw puzzle in only four months!”

“Is that some kind of record, honey?” Marilyn asked.

“It must be,” said the Vice President. “It says three to five years on the box.”

During all the commotion of the L.A. riots, an old woman was accosted by a thief.

“I don’t have any money!” she insisted, but the mugger wasn’t buying it. He reached between her legs and began to feel her privates to see if she had anything stashed there.

“Young man,” she cooed, “ I told you I don’t have any money. But if you keep that up, I’ll write you a check.”

Question: What’s the difference between Dan Quayle, George W. Bush and Jane Fonda?

Answer: Jane went to Vietnam.

A woman wrote to her local newspaper seeking marital advice: “My husband is a born liar and philanderer. He has cheated on me from the start, and when I confront him, he just denies everything. The humiliation is unbearable because everyone knows he steps out on me. Also, after losing his job, he hasn’t bothered looking for a new one. All he does is stuff his face full of food, smoke cigars and shoot the bull with his buddies. Meanwhile, I’m working hard to pay the bills. Now that our daughter is married, he doesn’t pretend to want to spend time with me and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?” Signed, “Clueless and Frustrated in New York.”

The columnist replied, “Dear Clueless: Grow a pair and dump him. Good grief, woman. You were a New York senator, served as Secretary of State, and you’re running for President of the United States. Act like it.”

Question: Why did God create man before he created woman?

Answer: He didn’t want advice.

A boy reached the age where he was growing curious about the birds and the bees, so when he and his father encountered two dogs humping in the park, his dad explained that the mutts were making puppies.

One week later, in the middle of the night, the boy was having nightmares, ran into his parents’ bedroom and caught them in the middle of fucking. “Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?” he asked.

His embarrassed father replied, “We’re making you a baby brother.”

“Roll her over, Dad,” exclaimed the excited boy. “I’d rather have puppies!”

After a bitter argument, a couple drove several miles in silence, neither one of them wanting to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard full of mules, pigs and goats, the husband asked, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yes,” the wife replied. “In-laws.”

Question: What do you get when you cross a dog with a cat?

Answer: An animal that humps your leg for a few minutes and then ignores you the rest of the day.

Young Agnes was put on testosterone pills to cure a mild hormone imbalance. Two weeks later she returned to the doctor for a checkup.

“I’m a bit concerned,” Agnes told the physician. “Since you’ve put me on these pills, I’ve noticed some extra hair growth.”

“Well, that’s to be expected,” smiled the doctor reassuringly. “It’s a perfectly normal response and nothing to worry about. Where have you noticed this hair?”

“On my balls.”

Question: What do men have in common with linoleum tiles?

Answer: Lay them properly and you can walk all over them forever.

A Republican, a Democrat and Bill Clinton were traveling through Nebraska when a tornado picked up their car and tossed it miles into the air. When the car finally landed back on the ground, the three men were amazed to discover that they’d been transported to Oz.

“I’m going to ask the Wizard for courage,” said the Democrat.

“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” said the Republican.

Bill scanned the horizon. “Do you think he knows where Dorothy is?”