Jokes

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and two young newlyweds wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor told them that new parishioners had to abstain from sex for four weeks. Everyone agreed.

Four weeks later the couples returned. The pastor first asked the seniors if they’d been successful. “No problem at all,” the husband replied, and the pastor exclaimed, “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!”

The pastor then asked the middle-aged couple how they’d fared. “The first two weeks were easy,” the husband told him, “but the third and fourth were pretty difficult. Yet we managed to abstain.”

“Congratulations!” the pastor exulted. “Welcome to the church!” Turning to the newlyweds, he asked, “Were you also able to abstain for four weeks?”

“Well, we made it through three whole weeks,” the husband replied. “Then we had to buy some paint. The can was on the top shelf, but my wife lost her grip, and the can fell to the floor. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You realize this means you are not welcome in the church,” the pastor huffed.

“We know,” the young man said. “We’re not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.” 

A married couple was at home watching TV one night. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

Mary became more and more annoyed. Finally she muttered, “For God’s sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!” 

Question: What does a woman say after her third orgasm?

Answer: You mean you don’t know?! 

Superman was bored one day and was flying around Metropolis when he spotted (with his X-ray vision) Wonder Woman in her apartment. She was lying in bed, naked as a jaybird, with her legs spread. In a flash, Superman swooped through an open window, made love to her and quicker than lightning flew off.

“What was that?” Wonder Woman asked.

“I don’t know,” admitted the Invisible Man, who was lying on top of her and boning away. “But my asshole hurts like hell.”

A priest and a nun were crossing the Sahara Desert when the camel they’d been riding dropped dead. After being stranded for days, they gave up all hope of being rescued. “Before I die, I’d like to see a woman naked,” the priest declared. “Sister, would you take off your clothes so I can look at you?”

The nun hesitated, but soon granted the priest his dying wish. Once nude, she said, “Actually, Father, I’ve never seen a naked man. Would you take off your clothes so I can look at you?”

The priest stripped, and the nun was awestruck. “What’s that thing between your legs?” she asked.

“It’s a gift from God,” the priest explained. “If I stick it in your vagina, it will create life.”

“Forget about me!” the naked nun cried out. “Stick it in that camel’s ass, and let’s get the hell out of here!”  

Question: What’s a surefire way to introduce some drama into your home life?

Answer: While screwing your wife, casually mention that her pussy isn’t as tight as her sister’s. 

Jasper was excited when his teenage daughter got an A+ in one of her classes—until he found out that the class was sex education.

 Question: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?

Answer: The slut lets you and your pals gangbang her. The bitch does too, but she gives all of you an STD. 

While yapping on the phone with her best friend, a secretary said, “I’ve gotta go. My boss is coming.”

“Does he get mad when we talk on the phone?” the friend inquired.

“Not usually,” the secretary replied. “But he just pulled out, and he’s squirting all over the back of my dress!” 

Question: Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?

Answer: To get to the other bride. 

A pair of twin boys were hiding in their big sister’s bedroom closet as she entertained her boyfriend. The boys heard a lot of panting and moaning, and then their sister sighed, “Oh, Robert, you’re in where no man’s ever been before.”

One twin whispered to the other, “Wow! He must be fucking her in the ass!” 

After making the rounds of producers and casting agents, Sally finally made a successful contact. The stuntwoman and aspiring actress was offered a speaking role in a feature-length Western. The first day’s script called for Sally to be thrown from a horse into a clump of cacti. On the second day she had to jump from a cliff into a raging river and swim to shore.

On day three Sally was slapped around by the villain, and the director—a stickler for realism—reshot the scene five times. On the fourth day her boot caught in a stirrup, and a runaway horse dragged her two miles. Somehow she managed to limp to the producer’s trailer. “Listen,” she gasped. “Who do I have to fuck to get out of this picture?”

Not realizing that the in-flight P.A. system was still on after takeoff, the pilot said to his copilot, “Man, all I need is to take a healthy shit, then get a blowjob from the stewardess, and I’ll be all set.”

When the remark was loudly broadcast throughout the plane, the shocked stewardess hurried forward to warn the pilot. As she rushed up the aisle, an old lady stopped her and whispered, “No need to rush, dearie. He said he was going to take a shit first.” 

Question: Why do Jewish men like to watch porn movies backward?

Answer: They like to see the part where the hooker gives the money back. 

Tracy was complaining to her best friend Emily about her date. “That creep called me a slut.”

“That’s awful!” her pal exclaimed. “What did you do?”

“I told him to get out of my bed,” Tracy replied, “and take his ten friends with him!” 

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines lesbian opera singer as: a muff diva. 

A young bride’s mother had some old-fashioned ideas on marriage and passed them on to her daughter. “Never let your husband see you in the nude,” she advised. “You should always be wearing something.”

“Yes, Mother,” the obedient girl replied.

Two weeks after the wedding the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when he asked, “Has there ever been any insanity in your family?”

“Not that I know of,” she said. “Why?”

“We’ve been married two weeks now, and every night you’ve worn that silly hat to bed.” 

An Aztec warrior entered the sleeping chamber of a beautiful maiden.

“Bad news,” he told her. “I just found out that you’re the virgin who’s going to be sacrificed to the gods tomorrow.”

“What can I do?!” the maiden shrieked.

“Relax,” the warrior replied, pulling out his dick and letting it grow hard in his hand. “Spread your legs, and I’ll start saving your life immediately.” 

Sam was feeling really horny one night, so he reached over to his wife Doris. “Not tonight,” she said. “I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning, and I’m not supposed to have sex for 24 hours before I get there.”

Thinking fast, Sam patted Doris on the back of her head. “Ah, but you don’t have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?” 

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines nudist colony as: a place where men and women air their differences. 

A black man died and went to heaven. As he tried to stroll through the pearly gates, he was stopped by Saint Peter. “Hold on! What did you do in your earthly life that was deserving of eternal bliss?”

“Why, Saint Peter,” the fellow responded, “I’ll have you know that I went up to the imperial wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, ripped off his hood and told him to his face that he was a scum-sucking racist.”

“And when did you do this?” a skeptical Saint Peter snorted.

The man replied, “About a minute ago.” 

Gazing at his wife’s open pussy on the night of their golden anniversary, Chet wept uncontrollably. “What’s wrong?” his spouse queried.

“Fifty years ago,” Chet responded, “I couldn’t wait to eat your pussy. Now it looks like it can’t wait to eat me!”

Three women arrived at the pearly gates of heaven and were greeted by Saint Peter. “There will be a place for each of you once you’ve confessed your sins,” Saint Peter assured them. Turning gravely to the first woman, he asked, “What is your sin?”

“I married one man, but loved another,” she admitted. “So I divorced my husband and married the man I really loved.” “Show her to the pearly gates,” Saint Peter instructed an angel. Then he turned to the second woman.

“I’m not a sinner,” she insisted. “I loved only one man, married him and lived happily ever after.” Saint Peter instructed another angel to escort her to the pearly gates.

The third woman confessed, “I was a stripper, and I pleasured every man who came to see me—for the right price.”

“Show this one to my room!” Saint Peter bellowed.

“Doctor please kiss me,” the patient pleaded.

“No,” the doctor snarled. “You’re a very beautiful woman, but kissing you is against my code of ethics.”

“Please, Doc, just one kiss,” the patient insisted.

“Sorry,” the doctor muttered. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”  

Frustrated by a new lover who refused to go down on her, Abby tried to reason with the guy. “Look, José,” she explained. “If God didn’t want you to eat pussy, why is it shaped like a taco?”

A boss was confused about paying an invoice, so he called his assistant into his office. “Mary, you’re really good with numbers,” he said. “If I were to give you $27,500 and then deducted 13%, how much would you take off?”

Mary thought about it for a moment and replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Question: Which American woman has had the most men inside her?

Answer: The Statue of Liberty.

As Steve began fucking his girlfriend in the ass for the first time, she screamed, “Stop! It hurts!”

“You’re crazy!” Steve fired back. “It feels fucking great!”

Question: What does a loser call it when he makes a fist and kisses his knuckles?

Answer: Foreplay.