Jokes

One day at the mortuary, an embalmer told his supervisor, “Problem with the new arrival. A jumbo shrimp’s sticking out of her pussy.”

“That’s impossible. Show me.”

The embalmer went to the draining table and flipped back the sheet. “See?”

His boss took a closer look.“You idiot, that’s not a jumbo shrimp. That’s her clit.”

“Hmm,” said the embalmer. “It sure tasted like shrimp.”

Question: What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Answer: Kinky you use a feather. Perverted you use the whole chicken.

A woman went to the doctor and said, “I’m really worried. Every time I go past a mirror, I feel sick to my stomach. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor examined the woman and replied, “I’m not sure, but your eyesight seems to be just fine.”

Big Chuck was walking his 100- pound Rottweiler when he decided to stop at the local tavern. He tied his dog to a parking meter and headed inside. Minutes later a woman ran into the bar screaming, “Whose dog is outside?”

Chuck stood and said, “Mine.”

“You’d better get out there! My Chihuahua is killing him!”

“You’re nuts, lady,” laughed Chuck. “How the fuck could a little Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?”

“It’s stuck in his throat!”

Two Los Angeles cops, Paula and Frank, were on foot, in pursuit of a robbery suspect, when they got separated. Paula finally caught up with her partner just in time to see him poking a stick down a sewage drain.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I dropped my jacket down the hole,” explained Frank. “It’s my lucky jacket.”

“Are you insane?” she shrieked, shaking her head in disbelief. “You’re not actually going to wear that now, are you?”

“Of course not,” he assured her. “But there’s a perfectly good donut in one of the pockets.”

A man woke up in the hospital after a harrowing operation. Full of dread, he asked the nurse, “Did things go okay?”

“They saved your testicles.”

The man let out a sigh of relief. Then the nurse handed him a plastic cup. “They’re here if you’d like to see them.”

After a wild office party Bill woke up with a terrible hangover. He rolled over and groaned to his wife, “What happened last night?”

“You made an ass of yourself,” she said. “You even told your boss what you really think of him.”

“Well, piss on him,” Bill shrugged.

“You did,” said the wife. “That’s when he fired you.”

“Fuck him then.”

“I did. You go back to work Monday.”

Melania Trump walked into the bedroom with a duck under her arm. Donald looked up in surprise.

“Here’s the pig I fuck,” said the First Lady, looking down at the floor in shame.

“Your English sucks,” her husband sniped. “That’s not a pig. That’s a duck.”

“I wasn’t talking to you,” said Melania.

Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?

Answer: A woman who won’t do as she’s told.

An IRS agent went to audit the owner of a delicatessen. The deli owner threw his hands up and exclaimed, “I slave all day carving turkey and pastrami to make a living for me and my family, and you guys gotta question my measly $20 grand a year income?”

“It’s not your income we question, sir. It’s the six first-class trips to Israel that you and your family made last year.”

“Oh, that,” said the owner. “I forgot to mention—we also deliver.”

Soon after her wedding a blonde disappeared. Her husband quickly gathered his friends and searched for her without success. Two days later the husband walked into his kitchen, and miraculously, there she was. Overjoyed, he asked where she’d been and what had happened.

“Four men kidnapped me and forced me to have wild and kinky sex with them for a week,” she explained.

“What do you mean?” asked her perplexed husband. “It’s only been 48 hours.”

“Right,” the young bride replied. “I’m just here to grab something to eat.”

Two drunks came across a meanlooking pitbull licking his balls.

“Damn, I sure wish I could do that,” said one of the bums.

“You can,” replied his friend. “Just be sure to pet him first.”

Bob and Bill went before a judge on drug charges. The judge told them that if they could persuade enough people to give up drugs over the weekend before their next court appearance, he’d forego their sentence.

When they returned to court on Monday, Bob told the judge that he’d persuaded 15 people to quit smoking crack.

“That’s great,” said the judge. “What did you tell them?”

“I drew two circles,” explained Bob. “One big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs and the little one their brain after drugs.”

Bill said, “I got 100 people to stop injecting heroin.”

The judge’s mouth fell open. “A hundred? How’d you do that?”

Bill said, “I drew two circles. One big, one small. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison.’ I pointed to the big circle and said, ‘This is your asshole after prison.’”

Louise got home from work only to discover Henry stalking around the kitchen with a fly swatter. “Killed any yet?” she asked.

“Yep,” answered Henry. “Two males and a female.”

“How could you tell?”

“Two were on a beer can, and one was on the fucking phone.”

Louise got home from work only to discover Henry stalking around the kitchen with a fly swatter. “Killed any yet?” she asked.

“Yep,” answered Henry. “Two males and a female.”

“How could you tell?”

“Two were on a beer can, and one was on the fucking phone.”

A matchmaker agreed to find a bride for a young man, but when she brought along the prospective wife, he was horrified.

“She’s ugly as sin,” the young man said. “Her hair is falling out, her eyes are crossed, and her teeth are brown!”

“Why are you whispering?” asked the matchmaker. “She’s deaf too.”

Question: What was the last thing Jesus said to his disciples?

Answer: “Everyone get on this side of the table if you want your picture taken.”

Governor Chris Christie was sentenced to prison for accepting bribes. He was put into a cell with the biggest, meanest-looking dude he’d ever seen.

“We’re gonna fuck all night long,” the big guy said, smiling. “So, you wanna be the mama or the papa?”

“Well, if I have to be one or the other, I’d rather be the papa,” said Christie.

The man dropped his pants. “Okay, Daddy. Now get that fat ass over here and suck Mama’s dick.”

A woman called her mother-in-law in the middle of the night. “Who changes the child if it poops itself? Is it the mom or the dad?”

“It’s always the mom, honey,” said the mother-in-law.

“Okay. Would you come over, please? Your son got drunk and shit his pants.”

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines macho as jogging home from your vasectomy.

Four friends met for their 30- year high school reunion. Jane went to get drinks from the bar while her three pals discussed their children.

John said his son studied economics, went into banking and became so rich that he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Mary shared that her son was a pilot who went on to start his own airline, accruing so much wealth that he recently gifted his partner a jet.

Not to be outdone, Ted boasted that his kid, an engineer, earned so much money that he built his good friend a castle.

Jane returned with drinks. When the group inquired about her son, she shared that he danced at a gay bar.

The friends looked at Jane sympathetically. “Don’t worry,” said Mary. “Success doesn’t always take material forms.”

“Oh, no!” exclaimed Jane. “He’s doing great! This year on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet airplane and a castle from his boyfriends.”

Question: What does 70-year-old pussy taste like?

Answer: Depends.

A woman who was pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the examination, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you whether or not—”

The doctor interrupted her: “I know, I know.” He placed his hand gently on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Tell him that I said sex is just fine until late in the pregnancy.”

“No, that’s not it,” confessed the woman. “He wants to know if I can still pull the weeds and mow the lawn.”

Question: How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

Answer: If it had been invented anywhere else, it’d be called a teethbrush.

A schoolboy was asked to tell his class about something exciting that had happened over spring break.

“Well, my mommy fell down into our well a couple of weeks ago,” the boy said.

“Oh, no!” exclaimed the teacher. “How terrible! Is she okay?”

“Well, she must be,” answered the boy. “She stopped screaming for help a couple of days ago.”

Jane died and went to heaven. While waiting in line at the pearly gates, she heard terrible screaming and moaning. Alarmed, she tracked down Saint Peter to find out what was going on.

“That’s just one of the women in front of you,” he said. “They’re drilling holes in her back to attach her wings.”

Jane got back in line. Once again she heard cries, this time more tormented and bloodcurdling than the ones before. “What’s happening to the woman now?” she asked Saint Peter.

He shrugged. “They’re just drilling holes in her head for the halo. Strictly routine. Nothing to worry about.”

Jane had heard enough. She told the saint that she’d changed her mind and wanted to go straight to hell.

“You sure?” he asked. “It’s brutal. You’ll be raped and sodomized.”

“That’s okay,” replied Jane. “I already have holes for that.”

John and his wife were fucking one night. Fifteen minutes passed, then 30, then 45. Sweat poured off of both of them. Finally the wife stopped, looked up at her husband and asked, “What’s the matter, John? Can’t think of anyone else either?”

Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Answer: Because they hate to see a man having such a good time.

A starlet was arguing with her agent. “Of course I wanna be a big star, Lenny, but there are some things I just won’t do. Like the porn role that 75-year-old producer offered me.”

“What did you tell him when he suggested the part?” asked Lenny.

“I laughed right in his balls.”