Jokes

Two friends were on the golf course. “I wish my wife had never taken up golf,” one of them grumbled. “She spends so much time practicing these days, she only makes love to me once a week.”

“You’re lucky,” his buddy remarked. “She’s cut some of us off altogether.”

Two wives, Carla and Fran, had a girls’ night out and got drunk at a bar. Too shitfaced to drive, they started walking home, but soon had to pee. So they went into a cemetery, but had nothing to wipe with. Carla used her panties, while Fran grabbed a wreath from a gravestone.

The next morning Carla’s husband called Fran’s old man and shouted, “No more girls’ nights out! My wife came home last night without panties!”

Fran’s husband bellowed, “You think that’s bad?! Mine came home with a card in her crack that read, ‘From all of us at Fire Station 9…we will never forget you’!” 

A flat-chested woman named Sally went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her tits. He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, ‘Scooby, dooby, doobies, I want bigger boobies.’”

Sally did this every day faithfully, and after several months it worked. Her breasts were getting bigger.

One day Sally was running late, and she was already on a bus when she realized she’d forgotten to do her morning ritual. At that point she loved her bigger boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so in the middle of the bus she began reciting, “Scooby, dooby, doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

A man sitting nearby asked, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”

“Why, yes, I do,” Sally responded. “How did you know?”

The man smiled and chanted, “Hickory, dickory, dock…”  

Question: Why do women pay less than men for car insurance?

Answer: Women don’t get blowjobs while they’re driving. 

Three nuns were walking around the convent. One used her hands to describe the tremendous cucumber she’d bought at the farmers market. The second nun, also with her hands, described the huge grapefruit she’d bought.

The third nun, who was a little deaf, asked, “Are you talking about Father Ryan?” 

Three friends were walking around town when they came across a prostitute soliciting on a street corner. Attracted by her good looks, they inquired about her rates. “Actually I operate on a sliding scale,” the hooker said. “You see, I charge $10 an inch.”

The men accepted and went off to her apartment, where they took turns with her. Later the first guy proudly told his pals that he’d paid $70. The second boasted that he hadn’t received any change from a $100 bill.

The third man declared that it was by far the best time he’d ever had for 20 bucks. His buddies stared at their feet and began to snicker uncontrollably. “I don’t know what you two fools think is so funny,” the third guy muttered. “Neither of you had the sense to pay on the way out.” 

Question: Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Answer: They were trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy. 

An archbishop asked a young priest, “Have you ever entertained lewd thoughts?”

The priest confessed, “No, Your Excellency. They usually entertain me.”

Two men in their 40s, Michael and Rudy, croaked and found themselves together at the gates of heaven. “How did you get here?” Michael asked.

“Hypothermia,” Rudy told him. “What happened to you?”

“Long story,” Michael said. “I was sure my wife was screwing around on me, so I came home early from work one day and accused her of being unfaithful. Hoping to find her lover, I began frantically searching the house. I got so upset at not finding the asshole, I had a massive coronary and died.”

“Geez, pal,” Rudy sighed. “If you had just started by checking the walk-in freezer, we’d both still be alive!” 

An old farmer dropped his truck off at the mechanic for a tune-up. Told it would take a few hours, he decided to walk home. On the way he bought a bucket and a gallon of paint at the hardware store. The farmer stopped at the feed store next and picked up two live chickens and a goose. When he got outside, he wondered how to carry all of his purchases.

While the farmer was scratching his head, a little old lady approached and said, “I’m lost, mister. Can you tell me how to get to Elm Street?”

“My place is near that street,” the farmer replied. “I’d walk you there, but I can’t carry all this stuff.”

The old lady cackled, “Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket with one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand.”

“Thanks,” the farmer said, and off they went. On the way he suggested, “Let’s take a shortcut through that alley.”

The petite woman looked at him warily and murmured, “I’m a widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know you won’t hold me up against a wall in that alley, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?”

“Holy smokes!” the farmer bellowed. “I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How the hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and have my way with you?!”

The biddy smiled and answered, “Set the goose down, cover it with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.” 

Question:  What is the minimum sentence for bigamy?

Answer: Two mothers-in-law. 

The husband was a bit embarrassed as he told the young doctor that he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and explained that she was getting frustrated. The doctor checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then said he wanted to consult with the wife.

The doctor led the woman to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. “Please slowly turn around,” he said. She did as instructed.

“Now raise your arms above your head,” the doc requested, “and bend over, touch your toes and cough.” Once the woman did all that, the doctor remarked, “Very good. You can get dressed now, and I’ll talk to your husband.”

The doctor went back to the man. “You can relax,” he told him. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.” 

Tom had been dealing with premature-ejaculation issues for years. Finally he decided to see a doctor, who suggested, “When you feel like you’re about to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” So on his way home Tom stopped at a sporting-goods store and bought a starter pistol.

That night he and his wife had just started 69ing when suddenly Tom felt the urge to come. He quickly grabbed the gun and fired it into the ceiling. The next day he went back to the doctor and explained that he’d used a starter pistol to delay his climax.

“How’d that go?” the doc inquired.

“Not very well,” Tom answered. “When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face and bit three inches off my pecker, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.” 

Macho Joe walked into a singles bar, looked around and then sat down next to a very attractive girl. “How would you feel about the two of us engaging in a little oral sex?” he asked.

“It depends,” the girl replied. “Your face or mine?” 

A lonely woman went to a pet store and bought a Chihuahua to be her companion. But after a couple of weeks she returned to the store with the pooch.

Recognizing her, the owner asked, “Is something wrong, ma’am?”

“Yes, there is!” the woman exclaimed. “Every time I get down on my hands and knees to scrub a floor, this little pervert you sold me starts humping me from behind!”

“I see,” the concerned store owner said. “I suppose you’d like to return the Chihuahua and get a refund.”

“No,” she replied. “But I would  like to know if I can trade it in for a Great Dane.”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day at work the urge overcame them, and they took off to her place, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, the lovebirds dozed off and didn’t wake up till around 8 p.m. As the man quickly threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through some grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. When she came back inside, her boss slipped on his shoes and kissed her goodbye.

“Where the hell have you been?!” the cheater’s wife demanded when he finally got home.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you anymore,” he replied. “I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. We made mad love all afternoon and fell asleep. Once I woke up, I got dressed and hurried home.”

His wife looked down at his shoes and snarled, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf again on a workday!”

A man and woman in their 70s had an appointment with a sex therapist. “What can I do for you?” they were asked.

The man replied, “Would you watch us have sex?” The therapist was puzzled but agreed, setting his fee at $50. After the couple finished and got dressed, the therapist assured them, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you two have sex.”

So the couple came back several more times, made love as the therapist watched and were told there was nothing amiss. Then they paid him and left. But when the couple arrived for a fifth appointment, the therapist grew very curious. “What exactly are you trying to find out?” he asked.

“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the man responded. “Jessica’s married, so we can’t go to her house, and I’m married, so we can’t go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges $90, and the Hilton charges $120. We have sex here for $50, and I get $35 back from Medicare.” 

If only the Pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving. 

A blonde walked into the library, stepped up to the counter and slammed a book down. “This is the worst book I’ve ever read!” she screamed at the librarian. “It has no plot and far too many characters!”

The librarian looked up and calmly remarked, “So you’re the one who stole our phone book.” 

A wise man once said, “You should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner. When she stops sucking, replace the fucking bag!” 

Joe walked into a pharmacy and began wandering up and down the aisles. A salesgirl noticed him and asked if she could help. “I’m looking for a box of tampons for my wife,” Joe said, and the young lady directed him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later Joe plopped a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife,” the confused salesgirl said. Joe explained, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and a pack of rolling papers ’cause they were sooooooo much cheaper. So I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she.” 

Question: What happened when a lonely bachelor took out a classified ad reading “Wife Wanted”?

Answer: The next day he received over 200,000 responses saying “Take mine!” 

A young man’s new girlfriend invited him to dinner at her house. On the way she told him about an odd family custom: The first person to speak after dinner had to do the dishes.

The couple sat down with the girl’s parents, and after they’d finished eating, everyone remained silent. Not wanting to do the dishes, the young fella tried to elicit a comment by kissing his girlfriend full on the mouth. No one uttered a word, so he began to rub her tits. Still no one said anything.

Pulling out all the stops, the desperate young man stripped his girlfriend naked and fucked her right on the table. And still no one spoke. He then stripped the chick’s mother naked and fucked her on the table. Not a peep from anyone.

Now certain that no one in the family was going to speak, the young man resigned himself to clearing the table. But when he picked up the butter tray, his girlfriend’s father jumped up and shouted, “Okay! Okay! I’ll do the fucking dishes!”

Question: What gets longer when pulled, fits between a set of tits, inserts neatly into a hole and works best when jerked?

Answer: A seatbelt. 

Jury trials are scary. Who wants to put their fate in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty? 

The members of a company’s board of directors were called into an emergency meeting and took their seats at a conference table. The last to be summoned was Ted, the junior member, who was instructed to remain standing. The chairman looked him in the eye and asked, “Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?”

“Oh, no, sir, positively not!” Ted replied. “Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch Miss Foyt!”

“So you’d swear to that?” the chairman demanded.

“I swear that I’ve never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere,” Ted insisted.

“Good. Then you fire her!” 

An old lady complained to her 20-yearold grandson, “I find that the young men of today aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”

The wiseass snarled, “That’s because now they’re not trying to fuck you, Grandma!”  

Donald Trump and Barack Obama were getting haircuts and shaves at a D.C. barbershop. Their respective barbers finished at the same time, and each reached for some aftershave to put on his customer’s face. Trump shouted, “Hey, don’t put that shit on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”

Smiling at Trump, Obama said to his barber, “You can splash some of that aftershave on me. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.” 

A blonde dropped off a skirt at the cleaners. On her way out the door the lady at the counter said, “Come again.”

The blonde looked back and said, “No, it was toothpaste this time.”