Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Back to Humor
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida. Being a friendly young lady, she attempted to strike up a conversation with the handsome gentleman reading a book on the towel next to hers. “Hello, sir,” Goldie said. “Do you like movies?”
“Yes, I do,” the gent responded, giving Goldie a quick peek before returning to his book.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?” she asked.
The man looked over and politely replied, “Yes, I do,” then resumed reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravishing her as she’d never been ravished before. An hour later, as the couple wallowed in the afterglow, Goldie dragged herself into a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that I wanted to fuck?”
Her lover thought for a minute or two and grunted, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
Late one night a clergyman approached a streetwalker and asked, “What would your mother say if she saw you here doing this?”
“She’d kill me!” the hooker exclaimed. “I’m on her corner!”
A husband and wife were trying to create a password for their new computer. The husband typed “my penis,” and the wife fell to the floor laughing. The message on the screen read, “Error. Not long enough.”
The HUSTLER Dictionary defines mixed emotions as: having your teenage daughter win first prize in a sword-swallowing contest.
A conventioneer named Alan was in Chicago, where he met Sally in the hotel bar and invited her up to his room. After a few drinks the adorable twenty-something sat in his lap and whispered, “Would you like me to hug you?”
“Sure,” Alan replied, pulling her closer. “And would you like me to kiss you?” Sally purred.
“Absolutely,” Alan gasped excitedly, whereupon the hottie planted a long kiss on his lips.
As soon as they stopped smooching, Sally cooed, “Okay, honey, brace yourself, because here comes the $500 question.”
Joe and his girlfriend were having sex one night when she looked at him and demanded, “Make love to me like in the movies.” So Joe fucked her in the ass, pulled out and came all over her face and hair. The poor guy hasn’t seen the girl ever since. Guess they don’t watch the same movies.
A man came home from a long business trip and found his son riding a brand-new bicycle. “Who bought you that bike?” the father growled.
“I did,” his son replied. “I bought it with the money I earned hiking.”
“Hiking?!” the father bellowed. “Who pays anyone to go hiking?”
“The deliveryman,” the boy explained. “Every time he brings a package for Mommy, he gives me $20 and tells me to take a hike.”
Olav and Grete, Norwegian immigrants who’d been married for almost 30 years, were lying in bed one night. Grete leaned over and asked, “Olav, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years together?”
“Not even once!” Olav exclaimed. “But have you been unfaithful?”
“Well, er, yes,” Grete stammered. “But only three times.”
“Three times?” Olav sighed. “That’s not very many. Do you remember them?”
“Yes, I do, dear,” Grete replied. “Remember when we didn’t have enough money to fix the furnace one winter? I blew the repairman in the basement.”
“I guess that was okay,” Olav allowed. “We sure didn’t want to freeze to death. What about the second time?”
Grete responded, “Remember when you wanted to expand the store, and you had to get approval from the building inspector?”
“Yes, and a bigger store really paid off,” Olav said. Then he asked, “When was the third time you were unfaithful?”
Smiling, Grete confessed, “Remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?”
Question: How is Viagra just like Disneyland?
Answer: You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride.
Bill boarded a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a pretty blonde. As the bus rolled down the street, the girl kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally Bill muttered, “It’s golf balls.”
The puzzled blonde continued to look at Bill, thinking deeply about what he’d said. Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
HUSTLER Wisdom: Tits are proof that a man can concentrate on more than one thing at a time.
Shaina came home late one night and quietly opened the bedroom door. From under the blanket she saw four feet instead of just her husband’s pair. Thinking she’d caught Lou cheating on her, she took a baseball bat from the closet and starting whacking the blanket as hard as she could.
Once Shaina was done, she went to the kitchen to have a drink. As she entered, she saw her husband sitting at the table, reading a magazine.
“Hi, honey,” Lou said cheerfully. “Your parents came to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
After California legalized the recreational use of marijuana, a city police department held a special training session to get officers up to speed on recognizing when a motorist might be driving while under the influence of weed. During the session an officer asked, “How are we supposed to distinguish a stoned driver from a drunk driver?”
The instructor replied, “The drunk driver will roll through a stop sign without even noticing it. A stoned driver will wait for the stop sign to turn green.”
During an eye exam, Joe’s doctor asked, “How’s your vision?” “It’s getting better,” Joe told him. “I have double vision now.”
“How’s that getting better?!” the optometrist howled.
With a sly grin, Joe replied, “I get to have sex with twins every night.”
Question: Why was the young man disappointed when he was given a sweater as a birthday gift?
Answer: He’d been hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Dating a hooker is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you with disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he gasped, “Sister, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed, and a few moments later two military police officers approached her and asked, “Did you see a soldier running this way?”
Pointing to her right, the nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the nun’s skirt and said, “Thank you, Sister. You see, I don’t want to deploy to Afghanistan.”
“I understand,” the nun murmured.
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs.” The nun responded, “Hey, if you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don’t wanna go to Afghanistan either!”
A husband stepped into the shower just as his wife, Suzie, was getting out. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Suzie quickly wrapped herself in a bath towel and ran downstairs. When she opened the door, there stood Travis, the next-door neighbor. Before Suzie could utter a word, Travis proposed, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, Suzie dropped her towel and stood naked in front of Travis. He admired her for a few minutes, then handed her $800 and left.
Suzie wrapped herself in the towel again and went upstairs. When she got back to the bathroom, her husband asked, “Who was that at the door?”
“Travis from next door,” Suzie replied.
“Did he say anything about the 800 bucks he owes me?”
Question: What does it mean when a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after their first date?
Answer: She had small tits.
Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. In the smashed vehicle the driver was howling in agony. One of the paramedics looked at him and said, “Please calm down, sir. At least you didn’t go through the windshield like your passenger.”
The driver screamed back, “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”
HUSTLER Wisdom: If you ever feel powerless, keep this in mind: Just one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
Tom and Janice started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After going at it for a while, Tom finally got up and muttered, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.”
“Me too!” Janice exclaimed. “You’ve been eating grass for the past 15 minutes.”
The HUSTLER Dictionary defines unexpected sex as: a good thing to wake up to—unless you’re in prison.
When an old farmer named Lucas went to town to see a movie, the cashier asked, “What’s that on your shoulder, sir?”
“That’s my pet rooster Chucky,” Lucas replied. “Wherever I go, Chucky goes.”
“I’m sorry,” the cashier said, “but we don’t allow animals in the theater.”
So Lucas dashed around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He then returned to the theater, bought a ticket and sat down next to two middle-aged women, Mildred and Marge. As soon as the film started, the rooster began to squirm. Lucas unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the flick too.
“Marge,” Mildred whispered, “I think the guy next to us is a pervert.”
“What’s he doing?” Marge wondered.
“He unzipped his pants and has his thing out,” Mildred answered.
“Don’t worry,” Marge assured her. “At our age we’ve seen them all.”
“I thought so too,” Mildred remarked. “But this one is eating my popcorn.”
While on a first date a couple decided to park on a lovers’ lane. The fella leaned over and gave the girl a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and guided her hand to his penis.
Furious, the girl opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just two words for you,” she screamed. “Drop dead!”
“And I’ve just got two words for you,” the guy hollered back. “Let go!”
Barbara had been celibate for three long years when she stepped into a bar and announced, “If any man can guess the last time I had sex, he can fuck me!”
“This morning!” Joe shouted.
“Close enough,” Barbara said.
The two 90-year-olds had been dating for a few weeks when Tom told Enid, “Tonight’s the night we have sex.” And so they did. As they were lying in bed afterward, Tom thought to himself, My God! If I had known she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her.
Meanwhile Enid was thinking, Shucks. If I’d known the geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose.
HUSTLER Wisdom: The only problem with politicians is that 99% of them give the rest a bad name.
A short guy named Clancy stepped into an elevator, looked up and saw a hulk of a man standing next to him. Noticing the little fella staring at him, the behemoth grunted, “Seven feet, 350 pounds, 12-inch penis, three-pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
Clancy fainted and collapsed on the elevator floor. The big man knelt down and shook him until he came to. “What’s wrong with you, pal?!” the giant demanded.
In a weak voice, Clancy gasped, “What exactly did you say to me?”
The imposing dude replied, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just answer the questions everyone always asks me. I’m seven feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 12-inch penis, my testicles weigh three pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Clancy was speechless for a few moments, then muttered, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!’”
Question: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
