Yes, clashing with your romantic partner is inevitable on occasion. Here’s how to minimize the discord and get back on the path to harmony as soon as possible.
Some degree of conflict in relationships is inevitable. Whether it is spurred by stress, misunderstanding or unresolved issues, all couples experience moments of friction. The key is finding ways to move through conflict with as little damage as possible. So how do you avoid arguing about the same things over and over? What do you do when disagreements get in the way of your sex life, or when resentment overshadows a feeling of connection?
I don’t have to tell you how important communication is. But whether you and your partner have been together for two months or 20 years, the way that you communicate might need an overhaul. “I feel” statements are a great way to avoid accusatory, blanket proclamations, but this construction is even better: “When you do X, I feel Y. Can you try Z?” (Example: “When you tell me you don’t want to have sex with me, I feel rejected. Can you be the one to initiate sex when you do feel like it?”) This way, you are empowering your partner to be part of the solution, rather than saying something that might feel critical. It can also be helpful to understand your own communication style. Are you the kind of person who can’t stand to go to bed angry? Or do you need time to cool down when you’re feeling mad or misunderstood? Pay attention to what works best for you, so that you can be clear with your partner in the moment. If they tend to process things in real time but you need some time and space to stew, something as little as a guarantee that they are important to you and that you will revisit the topic tomorrow can go a long way.
Some folks never raise their voices or let things escalate, even when they’re upset. (Good for them, right?) If that’s not true for you, it can be beneficial to set some agreements for arguments. Do this when you’re both feeling good: think post-orgasm, not mid-fight. Your mileage may vary, but rules like no name-calling, no leaving without telling the other person where you are going, no arguing in the bedroom and no bringing up past grievances can save you both a lot of strife. Katrina, a 32-year-old woman in a long-term relationship, agrees: “I’ve noticed that any kind of conflict in the car immediately feels ten times worse. I think it has to do with feeling trapped. So I have an agreement with my partner that if either of us feels upset about something while we are driving, we wait until we are out of the car to talk about it. This also gives us both a chance to cool down, which has stopped us from saying things that we don’t mean.”
