Quack Squack

MAHINA ZALTANA
You’re playing Miss Kay Robertson for this movie. Have you seen the actual show?

No.

You didn’t do any research?

I did some research! Um, I know that she cooks.

Do you like to cook?

Yes, I like to cook!

Have you ever had any sexy encounters in the kitchen?

Yes!

Like what?

Like the scene I’m going to do involves a blowjob in a kitchen.

What are you going to be doing in the scene?

I’m going to be giving my husband a blowjob in the kitchen!

And you’ve done that before or did you have to do research?

Yes.

How was that? Did you get any food involved? A cucumber? A banana?

No, I didn’t get any food involved that time. Maybe in the future.

Maybe some chocolate syrup, honey or something like that. You know, a 9½ Weeks type of situation.

Mmm, chocolate syrup. Actually, at the time we were making ground beef patties, so I don’t think it’d be a sexy blowjob.

That’s pretty sexy, get some ground beef patties, get some special sauce in there. On the street the kids call it “doing a Big Mac.”

Doing a Big Mac. Really?

It’s some new stuff. So you’re working with Evan Stone in the scene. Are you excited?

Yes, I’ve never worked with him before. I’ve heard he has a really long cock to shove down my throat. I’m excited for that.

Do you watch any reality shows?

I don’t really watch any. I’m trying to think. I like watching classic movies, grindhouse or B movies, stuff like that. I don’t have cable.

Was there ever a reality show you watched?

Um, what was that MTV one where they were all living together?

The Real World?

Yeah!

Would you want to do a porno version of it?

Of The Real World? Shiiit! Sounds like a plan. There’d have to be some kind of aggression in there. They’re always bickering, right?

I’m sure you could find a way to break the tension.

CHRISTIE STEVENS
You’re playing Jessica Robertson. Have you watched the show?

I watched a couple of episodes last night.

Just to do some hardcore research?

Yes, get an idea, yeah.

Are you happy with the character you’re playing? Is it good casting?

I love my character. I have one line in the whole movie and then I get to fuck!

You know how they do the duck calls? Can you do that?

I’ve never done a duck call!

You go like this. (At this point I do a pretty awesome duck call with my mouth and hand.)

That’s pretty good.

Want to try it?

No, I’m okay.

(Still making duck calls.) Are you sure?

If you had a real one, I would blow it.

Would you try to do a duck call on a penis if a guy asked for it?

Of course. I just did!

Really? Did it make the noise?

No, dang it!

You know it works if some ducks show up while you’re fucking.

Right. Exactly!

The guys in this movie are kind of blue-collar rednecks. Is that your type?

I like all kinds of guys.

Even a guy with a big beard?

Well, I’m attracted to every type of guy. Of course.

Right. So what do you think of the long beard that the actors have to use? Is that something—

It’s fantastic!

How does it feel when they go down on you?

It tickles a little bit.

Is it good tickling? Because, you know, there are degrees.

Yes, it’s great tickling!

So you like the beard.

Yes, but I also like it without the beard.

Oh, so you’re very eclectic.

I like variety.

The spice of life. Have you ever eaten duck?

No! No, I like looking at ducks.

You feed them bread and stuff, but you’ve never eaten one?

I can’t bring myself to do it.

Would you do duck porn?

With a duck? I’m not into bestiality.

What if it was a guy in a duck costume? Like a Donald Duck porn parody?

Probably not. It would have to be for a very special director or a very special person. It takes motivation to get me to do that.

So I shouldn’t write my DuckTales porn parody?

No.