Jokes

At school a classmate told Tim that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret. This makes it real easy to blackmail them by simply saying, “I know the whole truth.”

When Tim got home, he decided to give it a try. As he was greeted by his mother, he said, “I know the whole truth.”

His mom quickly dug up $20 and advised, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, Tim waited for his dad to get home from work. When the family’s breadwinner walked in the door, Tim went up to him and went, “I know the whole truth.” His father pulled out his wallet, forked over a 50 and whispered, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

While opening the front door the next morning, Tim saw the mailman walking toward the house. Passing him, Tim casually remarked, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately dropped the letters in his hand, opened his arms and said, “Then come here, son, and give your father a big hug.”

Not the best student in Sunday school, April usually snoozed through the class. One day the teacher called on the teen while she was sound asleep: “April, who created the universe?”

When she didn’t stir, Bobby—the lad seated right behind her—took a pencil and jabbed April in the butt. “God Almighty!” April shouted.

“Very good,” the teacher commented, and April fell asleep.

A while later the teacher asked her, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

Again April didn’t stir, but Bobby came to the rescue and stuck the pencil in her keister a second time. “Jesus Christ!” April cried out.

“Very good,” the teacher muttered as April started to nod off. Without delay he asked, “April, what did Eve say to Adam after she’d given birth to her 23rd child?”

This time April jumped up and bellowed, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

Question: Who wasted the best porn name ever on a basketball career?

Answer: Magic Johnson.

Zack’s wife yelled from upstairs, “Are you getting a shooting pain in your stomach, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it again and again?”

“No!” Zach yelled back. “I feel fine!”

“What about now?!” his wife hollered.

While walking through a park, Toby noticed an eye-catcher sitting on a bench. Stepping up to her, he remarked, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

“You just want to fuck me,” the gal snorted.

“Wow!” Tony cried. “You’re smart too!”

A state trooper pulled over 87-year-old Agnes for speeding. As he looked at her driver’s license, he noticed that a concealed-weapon permit was attached to it. Taken aback, the trooper couldn’t help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession now, ma’am?”

In a crackly voice, Agnes replied, “I have a .45 automatic in the glove compartment.”

The trooper then asked if Agnes had any other weapons, and she readily admitted, “There’s a Glock 9mm in the center console.”

“Is that all?” the officer asked.

“Well, I do keep a .38 Special in my purse,” Agnes owned up.

Finally the astonished trooper asked, “What are you afraid of, ma’am?”

Smiling, the little old lady clucked, “Not a fucking thing!”

Frannie had been the Smiths’ maid for only a few months. Nevertheless, one morning she went up to Mrs. Smith—a gorgeous blonde in her late 20s—and said, “I’d like a pay raise.”

“Why do you think you deserve a raise?” the lady of the house asked.

“Three reasons,” Frannie replied. “First, I can cook better than you.”

“Who told you that?” Mrs. Smith wanted to know.

“Mr. Smith,” the maid responded. “Second, I clean better than you do.”

“And who told you that?” Mrs. Smith snarled.

“Mr. Smith,” Frannie repeated. “And third, I’m better in bed than you are.”

“I suppose my husband said that too,” Mrs. Smith muttered.

“No, the gardener told me,” Frannie confided.

“Okay,” Mrs. Smith huffed, “how much do you want?”

Jim’s wife was madder than hell. “I can’t believe you’ve been having sex with prostitutes!” she screamed. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” Jim countered. “It’s not like I’ve been getting any from you lately.”

“That’s your damn fault!” his wife snapped. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”

Question: What’s long, hard and has cum in it?

Answer: A cucumber, but we like the way you think.

One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus asking for a little brother. Santa wrote back and told the kid to send his mother.

Question: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

Answer: All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. They discussed the request and decided that whenever his family expanded, his pay would increase as well. After six children this got expensive, and the congregation held a meeting.

A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued as the assembled discussed how much the pastor’s additional offspring were costing the church and could potentially cost in the future. After listening to the congregation for about an hour, the pastor stood up.

“Children are a gift from God,” he said, “and my wife and I will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew a little old lady struggled to stand. Finally, in a frail voice, she cackled, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

The entire congregation chimed, “Amen.”

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A—has intimacy issues; B—is frigid; or C—needs to sit somewhere else on the bus.

Did you hear about the guy who gave up smoking, drinking and sex? He didn’t live longer; time just went by much slower.

If you get an email with the subject “Knock, knock,” don’t open it. The message is from a Jehovah’s Witness working at home.

A wife exclaimed, “Honey, the vacuum isn’t sucking!”

“Frustrating, isn’t it?” her hubby snorted.

A lawyer wrote a letter to his wife, a college math professor. “My dear Janie,” it began. “I value you as a good wife, but now that you’re 57 years old, you can no longer satisfy certain needs of mine. Therefore, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret why I will be spending this evening at the Hilton with my 18-year-old secretary. Please don’t be upset. I promise to be home before midnight.”

When the lawyer came home, he found a letter on the dining room table. “My dearest husband,” it began. “I read your letter, and I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you also are 57 years old. I am informing you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students. He’s on the tennis team, so he’s very virile and, like your secretary, 18 years of age. As a successful lawyer with an excellent grasp of math, you should understand that we are in the same situation, although with one significant difference: 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.”

While walking behind his wife, Mort muttered, “Your ass is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine.” The woman didn’t utter a peep.

Bedtime came around, and Mort was hankering to get it on, but his wife wasn’t in the mood. “I’m not starting the old washing machine for such a small load,” she whined. “You’ll have to do it by hand.”

While shooting the shit, a young man told his new friend, “I think my wife is cheating on me.”

“What gave you that idea?” the other guy asked.

“We moved from New York to L.A. and still have the same deliver boy.”

Chet went to his doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra, but the doc told him that he couldn’t allow a double dose. “Why not?” Chet snarled.

“Because it’s not safe,” the doctor cautioned.

“But I need it really bad,” Chet insisted.

“Why do you need a double dose so badly?” the doctor wanted to know.

“My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,” Chet explained, “my ex-wife is coming home on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

Finally relenting, the doctor said, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so I can check to see if there were any side effects.”

On Monday morning, Chet—his right arm in a sling—dragged himself back to the doctor’s office. “What happened to you?” the doc wondered.

Chet exclaimed, “No one showed up!”

A married man stepped into a confessional booth one Saturday afternoon.

“Father, it has been a month since my last confession,” he admitted, “and I had sex with Nookie Green twice since then.”

The priest told the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Marys.”

A few minutes later another married guy entered the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.”

“Who, my son, is this Nookie Green?” the priest inquired.

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replied.

“Very well,” the priest sighed. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead-gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every male in the church fell upon her as she sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was emerald green and very short, and she wore shiny, emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasped as the beauty sat down, her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn’t wearing panties. Turning to the altar boy, the priest whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The altar boy couldn’t believe his ears, but managed to whisper, “No, Father. I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes.”

A senior citizen took his wife to be tested. Two days later he got a call from the doctor. “I’m sorry to inform you that your wife’s test results were mixed up with another patient’s,” the doctor said. “We’re not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer’s disease.”

“So what am I supposed to do?” the geezer asked.

“Take your wife for a long walk and leave her,” the doctor advised. “If she finds her way home, don’t open the door.”

A big-time executive came home and said to his wife, “I’ve been so busy, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

The missus told him, “By the look on your face, you’re going. When you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”

A middle-aged man and his perpetually nagging wife went to Israel for a vacation. While in Jerusalem the woman suddenly died. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her body shipped home for $5,000.”

The husband thought things over and said, “You can ship her home.”

The bewildered undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife’s body back home when she could have a beautiful burial here, and it would cost only $150?”

“Long ago,” the husband replied, “a man died here in Jerusalem, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance with my wife.”

Just as a dentist leaned over a female patient to begin working on a tooth, he was startled.

“Excuse me, miss,” he gasped, “but those are my testicles you’re holding.”

“I know,” the gal replied sweetly. “So let’s be careful not to hurt each other, okay?”

For the topic of his Sunday sermon a minister chose creation. “Man came first,” he began.

Suddenly a woman at the back of the church shouted out, “Some things never fuckin’ change!”

A guy walked into a crowded bar. Waving an unholstered pistol, he yelled, “This is a .45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine, plus a slug in the chamber and I wanted to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”

A voice from the back of the bar called out, “You’re gonna need more ammo!”

A man went into a store and asked a salesclerk, “In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?”

The clerk replied, “Are you Polish?”

Clearly offended, the customer said: “Yes, I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked about salami, would you have asked me if I was Italian? Or if I had ordered bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked about kosher hot dogs, would you have asked me if I was Jewish?”

The clerk admitted, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

“Well, then,” the customer snarled, “why did you ask me if I was Polish when I asked about Polish sausage?”

The clerk retorted, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

After a lot of soul-searching a long-time cheater told his buddy, “My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.”