Jokes

The Department of Labor suspected that Smith, a fishing boat owner in Duluth, Minnesota, wasn’t paying his workers legal wages. A government agent was sent to the seaport city to investigate the fisherman.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” the agent demanded.

“Well, there’s Clarence, my hired hand. He’s been with me for three years. I pay him $500 a week plus room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works 18 hours a day, seven days a week. He gets about $50 per week and pays his own room and board.”

“Does he get benefits? Health insurance, vacation time, sick leave, retirement, that kind of thing?”

Smith thought a bit. “No, but I do get him a bottle of Seagram’s and a dozen Miller Lites every Saturday night to help him cope. Also, my wife lets him fuck her once a month, which keeps his spirits up.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one. I’ll need to conduct an interview with him immediately.”

Mr. Smith took off his cap. “That’d be me. What would you like to know?”

Question: Why do men like to date women who stutter?

Answer: By the time they can say “N-n-n-n-n-no!” he’s already finished.

Sister Mary felt guilty and went to confession. “Father, I seek absolution. I never wear panties under my habit,” she confessed.

“That’s not too serious, Sister,” said the priest. “Just say five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers; then do five cartwheels.”

Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one threw up all over himself. “Damn,” he said. “My wife is going to kill me when she sees this.”

“Put $20 in your pocket. When she asks what it’s for, say a man threw up on you and gave you money to buy a new shirt.”

The drunk staggered home, where sure enough, his angry wife confronted him. “You’re covered in vomit!”

“It’s not my fault,” he said. “A man threw up on me and gave me $20 to buy a new shirt.”

“What do you mean, $20?” she said. “There’s $40 here.”

“He shit in my pants too.”

Lisa, a romantic woman, sent her husband a text: “If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re laughing, send me your smile. If you’re eating, send me a bite. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband replied, “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

Following a long night of heavy drinking, Bubba woke up to find possibly the ugliest woman he’d ever seen sleeping beside him. Aghast, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up and dressed as fast and as quietly as he could.

Stopping only to leave a $50 bill on the bureau, he began to tiptoe out, but suddenly felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a woman just as ugly as the one in the bed, only a few decades older.

“What?” she asked with a toothless grin. “Nothing for the mother-of-the-bride?”

Question: Why are only 30% of women admitted into heaven?

Answer: Any more and it’d be pure hell.

Tim, a midget from Texas, had a constant pain in his groin area, so finally he went to see a doctor.

The sympathetic doctor agreed to take a look. He asked the little dude to drop his pants, hop up on the examination table and stand tall. Then he put one finger under the midget’s left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough, the usual method of checking for a hernia.

“Hmm,” mumbled the doctor. He put his finger under the midget’s right testicle and again asked him to cough. “Aha!” he cried, reaching for his surgical scissors.

Tim was so scared he closed his eyes. Snip-snip-snip on the right side. Snip-snip-snip on the left side.

Finished, the doctor asked the midget to walk around the room to check if his testicles still hurt.

Tim was delighted to discover that his balls no longer ached. “I feel great now. Thank you! And the most amazing thing is that I didn’t even feel a thing! What did you do?” “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.”

Question: What’s the difference between Trump’s hair and a wet raccoon?

Answer: A wet raccoon has a soul, a brain and isn’t a racist, sexist pig.

A priest and a rabbi were hearing confessions together. They listened to three women confess to committing adultery three times. The priest told each woman to say ten Hail Marys and to put $10 in the collection plate.

Then the rabbi took over so the priest could use the restroom. A Catholic woman came in confessing to two instances of adultery. “Mazel tov!” exclaimed the rabbi. “We’re running a special—three for $10!”

John approached a woman in a nightclub and said, “Would you like to dance?”

“No, thanks,” the woman replied. “I don’t like this song. And even if I did, I still wouldn’t dance with you. I don’t mean to be rude, but you really aren’t my type.”

“Huh?” John cleared his throat. “I think you might have misunderstood me. I said, ‘You look fat in those pants.’”  

A married couple was at a restaurant when a beautiful woman walked up to their table, leaned over and warmly kissed the husband.

“Who was that?” the wife demanded angrily as the woman sauntered off.

“That was my mistress,” her husband admitted candidly.

“Your mistress? I want a divorce!”

“Do you really want to give up your big house, the Mercedes, your jewelry and credit cards?” asked the hubby. “You do remember signing a prenup.”

For the next half hour there was frosty tension between the two. Finally breaking the silence, the wife nudged her husband.

“Isn’t that Ted over there?” she asked.

“Who’s that young woman he’s with?”

“That’s his mistress.”

“Huh,” said his wife, taking a mouthful of dessert. “Ours is much prettier.” 

Little Billy walked into a pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter for a box of tampons.

“Did your mom tell you what kind of tampons she wants?” the clerk asked.

Billy shook his head. “They aren’t for my mother.”

“Your sister?”

“Nope. They’re for me,” he replied, smiling proudly.

“Why on earth do you need tampons?”

“Well,” explained Billy, “I saw on TV, if you have a box of these, you can do anything! Ride horseback, roller-skate, go swimming, rock climbing…” 

A great white shark was teaching his son how to hunt for humans: “First, raise your dorsal fin out of the water and start circling. Then close in and eat him.”

“Why waste time circling them?” asked his son.

The wise, elder shark replied, “They taste way better without their shit inside.” 

Bill Clinton stepped off a private plane carrying a small dog.

“Great dog, sir,” said his secret service agent appreciatively.

“Thanks. I got it for Hillary,” Bill replied.

“Good trade, sir.” 

Question: Why did God make women so damn stupid?

Answer: So they’d like men. 

Question: Why do bagpipers always walk while they play?

Answer: To get away from the noise.  

An elderly man named Sam lived alone on a large farm in Florida. One night he heard laughing and shouting coming from the pond behind his barn. The old farmer followed the voices and came across four beautiful young women skinny-dipping. Surprised and delighted, Sam coughed several times to make his presence known.

Hearing him, the women squealed, and one of them shouted, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The fast-thinking old man shrugged. “I didn’t come down here to make you get out of the pond.” He held up a bucket. “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Question: Why can’t Bill Cosby get laid anymore?

Answer: He’s already as fucked as he’s ever going to get.

Mary asked her boyfriend Joe if he wanted any breakfast. “Bacon and poached eggs? A slice of bread? Grapefruit? Coffee?”

Joe shook his head no. “It’s this Viagra,” he explained. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch she offered him soup and a cheese sandwich. Again he declined, blaming the erectile dysfunction medication for his lack of interest in food.

Now 8 p.m., Mary’s voice took on a note of concern. “How about I go out and buy you a burger?” she offered. “Or if you want, I could make you a pizza from scratch. Or how about stir-fry? That’d only take a couple of minutes.”

“Honestly,” Joe said, trying to reassure her. “Don’t worry so much. As soon as the Viagra wears off, I’ll eat something.”

“Great,” Mary said, giving him a push. “But would you mind getting off of me? I’m fucking starving!”

Three women were chatting in the gym locker room when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous colorful terms for male masturbation—jerking off, spank – ing the monkey, slapping the salami, burping the worm, wanking off, choking the chicken, pumping the python and so on— there weren’t any common phrases for female masturbation.

“I’ve always called it ‘jilling off,’” said one of the women.

“But that’s just a feminization of ‘jacking off,’” argued the first.

“You’re right,” agreed her friend. “The English language doesn’t seem to have any slang that refers to female masturbation.”

Silent up to that point, the third woman snorted. “Bullshit. After 20 years of fucking my husband, there’s only one thing you can call it.”

“What’s that?”

“Finishing the job.”

Question: How do you know Trump followers give good head?

Answer: They’ll swallow anything.

A ventriloquist was telling dumb blonde jokes onstage when a member of his audience, a young fair-haired woman, stood up to complain.

“I’ve heard just about enough of your dumb blonde jokes,” she shouted. “What makes you think you can stereotype women this way? Tell me, what does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”

Embarrassed, the ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted him. “Stay out of it, mister! I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee!”

When she turned 70, Gladys decided to go through some old boxes. She climbed up into the attic, her cat Whiskers following at her heels. In one of the boxes Gladys found a lamp. She started polishing it and whoosh—out popped a genie offering her three wishes. Immediately Gladys wished to live in a beautiful palace with servants at her beck and call. Next she wished to be young and beautiful again. Finally she wished the genie would turn Whiskers into a man so she could marry the only creature she’d ever loved.

The morning after their wedding night, Whiskers rolled over to face his bride and said, “Aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

“I’ve fallen head over heels in love with my dentist,” Bambie confided to her best friend. “I’m going to propose to him tonight!”

Her friend’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck!” she exclaimed, astonished. ” You’re beautiful, you’re young, and you have dozens of men who worship the ground you walk on. You could have absolutely anyone in the world you want ed. What’s so great about this dentist?”

“He’s the only man who’s ever told me, ‘Spit. Don’t swallow.’”

Question: How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

Answer: It’s not hard.

Billybob and his best friend Luther were talking. Billybob said, “I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation. This time I’m gonna do it different. Last few years I been taking your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went and Earlene got pregnant. Then you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

“So what you gonna do this year that’s different?” asked Luther.

“I’m taking Earlene with me.”

Feeling depressed and anxious, a man went to see a noted psychiatrist. “I know exactly what your problem is,” said the doctor after hearing the man’s life story. “It’s a simple matter of low self-esteem.”

“Oh?” the man responded hopefully.

“Don’t worry,” said the psychiatrist. “It’s very common among total losers.”

Well into her 80s, Gertie opened the front door of a sex shop and entered. Unsteady on her feet, the little old lady shuffled her way across the store to the counter. Finally arriving there, she gripped the counter for support and stared pleadingly at the sales clerk.

“Dooo youuuu have d-d-d-illlldosss?” Gertie stuttered.

The clerk smiled. “Yes, we do have dildos,” he said, trying his best not to sound patronizing. “Actually we carry several different models.”

“Doooo youuuu hhhhavvvve a pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllonggg aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchess ththiickk…ththatt rrunns on bbaatteries?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, we do,” the clerk replied.

“D-d-dooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?”