Jokes

A husband walked into the bedroom and found his wife packing a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m moving to Nevada,” his wife told him. “I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for you for free!”

Later that night, before making her getaway, the wife walked back into the bedroom and saw her husband packing a suitcase. When she asked him where he was going, he snarled, “I’m coming too. I wanna see how you’ll live on $800 a year.”

The nurse assured Tony, “Of course I won’t laugh. I’m a professional. In my 20 years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay, then,” Tony said as he proceeded to drop his pants and shorts, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stifle a giggle, but it came out anyway. “I’m sorry,” she said, regaining her composure. “I don’t know what came over me. I promise that won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Tony replied. The nurse ran out of the room. 

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for a checkup and announced, “My 20- year-old wife is pregnant. Isn’t that amazing? What’s your opinion, Doc?”

“Let me tell you a story,” the M.D. responded. “A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of a rifle. He walks into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, and bang, the lion drops dead.”

“That’s impossible,” the geezer said. “Someone else must have shot the lion.”

“Exactly!” the doctor exclaimed. 

Question:  How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?

Answer: Wipe your pecker on the curtains. 

Question:  Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

Answer: He sold his soul to Santa. 

Sylvia welcomed an escort service client named Marvin to her lakefront condominium in Chicago. He asked if she gave good handjobs. “You see this condo?” Sylvia re plied. “I bought it by giving good handjobs.” Marvin asked for one, and he was impressed.

Then he asked Sylvia if she gave great blowjobs. “Look out the window,” the escort instructed. “See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving great blowjobs.” So Marvin asked Sylvia to suck his cock, and again he was impressed.

“Are you good in bed too?” Marvin inquired. “I really wanna fuck you.”

“Look out the window,” Sylvia said. “See that big yacht out on Lake Michigan? I could own one just like that if I had a vagina.” 

When Louie went to the carnival, he hit on Sally and Sue, a conjoined pair of performing midgets. After their last show, he invited the twins to his place, and they all got shit-faced.

After fucking Sue, Louie started working on Sally. Meanwhile Sue whipped out a harmonica, stuffed it into her pussy and started to play “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” As Louie dicked Sally, she sang along.

When he came, Sally screamed, “Fire in the hole!” Then Sue’s snatch spasmed, and the harmonica shot out and ricocheted off the walls. The trio collapsed in a satisfied heap on the bed.

A few weeks later the twins were walking around and stopped in front of Louie’s apartment building. Sally suggested, “Let’s go see that guy.”

Sue asked, “Do you think he’ll remember us?” 

A Catholic man stepped into the confessional booth and beseeched, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What did you do, my son?” the priest inquired.

“Last night,” the man explained, “I was walking along the beach, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore because I’d heard that sometimes people go there to fool around. When I turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex.”

“Damn!” the priest exclaimed. “So you were the asshole with the flashlight!”

Question:  What do a clitoris, wedding anniversary and toilet have in common?

Answer: Men always miss them.

A mortician was working late one night. While examining the corpse of Mr. Jones, which was about to be cremated, he made a startling discovery. The dead man had the biggest cock he’d ever seen. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jones,” the mortician commented. “I can’t allow such an impressive penis to be cremated. It must be saved for posterity.” So the mortician sliced off the appendage, stuffed it in his briefcase and went home.

“I have something to show you,” he said to his wife while opening the briefcase, “something you won’t believe.”

“Oh, no!” cried the wife. “Jones is dead!” 

Question: What happened when a lonely bachelor took out a classified ad reading “Wife Wanted”?

Answer: The next day he received more than 200,000 responses saying “Take mine!”

A married man returned a day early from a business trip. While en route from the airport in a taxi, he told the driver, “I think that my wife is having an affair, and I want to catch her in the act. I’ll pay you an extra $100 if you’ll be my witness.” The cabbie agreed.

Quietly arriving at his home around midnight, the suspicious businessman tiptoed into the bedroom. He switched on the light, yanked the blanket back, and there was his wife, stark naked, with her lover.

The husband pointed a gun at the naked guy’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t shoot him, dear! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. He paid for the Porsche I gave you. He paid for your new fishing boat. He paid for your Packers season tickets. He paid for our cabin at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and the monthly dues, and he paid for your golf trip to St. Andrews.”

Shaking his head, the husband lowered the gun. He looked at the cabbie in the doorway and muttered, “What would you do?”

The cabbie replied, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

Jennifer went into a pet store and spotted a parrot on sale for $25. “Why is this parrot so cheap?” she asked the shopkeeper.

“Look, lady,” he said. “I’ll level with you. This bird used to live in a whorehouse, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

Jennifer decided to buy it anyway. She took the parrot home and hung the birdcage in the living room. The bird looked around for a couple of minutes, then snapped, “New house, fucking new madam!” Jennifer was a bit shocked, but figured it wasn’t so bad.

An hour later her teenage daughters returned from school. The parrot saw them and chirped, “New house, fucking new madam, fucking new girls.” Jennifer explained the situation, and she and the girls all had a good laugh.

When her husband came home from work, Jennifer excitedly ushered him into the living room. The parrot looked at him and cackled, “Oh, hi, Bob!” 

Question: What does it mean when a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after their first date?

Answer: She had small tits. 

A blonde dropped off a skirt at the cleaners. On her way out the door the lady at the counter said, “Come again.”

The blonde looked back and said, “No, it was toothpaste this time.”

Two middle-aged spinsters were chatting. “George Johnson asked me out for a date,” Dorothy divulged. “I know you went out with him last week, Edna, so I wanted to talk with you about him before I give my answer.”

“I’ll tell you everything,” Edna said. “George showed up at my house punctually at 7 p.m., dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit, and handed me a beautiful bouquet. Parked at the curb was a limousine with a chauffeur, and off we went. First we had a marvelous dinner—lobster, French champagne, dessert and after-dinner drinks. Then George and I went to a movie. I was having such a good time, Dorothy, I could have just died from pleasure!”

“George seems like a very nice guy,” Dorothy remarked.

“Let me finish,” Edna gasped. “Once the limo got to my house, I asked George to come in, and he turned into an animal. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me three times!”

“Goodness gracious!” Dorothy exclaimed. “Are you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with George?”

“No, no, no,” Edna replied, smiling. “I’m just saying wear an old dress.” 

Karen confided to her friend Janice, “I gave a worthless bum a blowjob last night.”

Shocked, Janice asked, “What about your marriage?”

“Oh, my husband knows all about it,” Karen assured her.

“He does?!” Janice yelped. “What did he say?”

Karen replied, “He said, ‘Thank you.’ It was the first blowjob I’d given him in years.” 

Question: What’s the difference between men and women?

Answer: If you don’t know, you need to look at the pictures in this magazine. 

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer, and Judy married again. She and Bob raised seven more kids. After Bob was killed in a car accident, Judy wed John and had five more children. By the time Judy died, she’d given birth to 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher thanked God for this loving woman. He then bellowed, “Lord, they are finally together!”

Two of Judy’s close friends were sitting together at the funeral, and Ethel leaned over to ask Maggie, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

Maggie whispered, “I think he means her legs, Ethel, her legs.” 

A sexy speech therapist named Carla was at an impasse with three male stutterers. Deciding it was time for drastic action, she announced, “I’ll give a blowjob to the man who can tell me where he was born without stuttering.”

Patrick quickly stood up and said, “B-b-b-boston.” He angrily shook his head and sat down.

James got up and went, “C-c-c-cleveland.” Disappointed, he slapped his face and sat back down too.

Daniel stood up and told the therapist, “I’m from Miami.”

Carla dropped to her knees and made good on her promise. After finishing the BJ, she asked, “How was that?”

“B-b-b-beach.” 

Three women from different countries were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed her forearm, and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” the American explained. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. Once the call ended, she told the others, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

Colleen, an Irish gal, started feeling painfully low-tech. Wanting to outdo her companions, she stepped out of the sauna and went to the lavatory. When she returned, a sheet of toilet paper was dangling from her ass. As the others raised their eyebrows, Colleen announced in a thick Irish brogue, “Would you look at that? I’m getting a fax!” 

Question: What do you call a nympho in a convent?

Answer: Lost. 

Brenda farted while bending over to look at a diamond ring in a jewelry store. Embarrassed, she glanced around and saw a salesman standing behind her. “How may I help you?” he asked.

Hoping he hadn’t heard her “accident,” Brenda gasped, “How much is this lovely ring?”

“Ma’am, if you farted just looking at it,” the salesman huffed, “you’re going to shit when I tell you the price!”

Question:  What do you call a masturbating cow?

Answer: Beef strokenoff.

A twentysomething named Alicia went to her gynecologist. “What seems to be the problem?” he inquired.

“Something is terribly wrong,” Alicia replied. “I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

The gyno took a peek, chuckled and said, “Those aren’t postage stamps, my dear. They’re the stickers on bananas.”

There were two statues in a park, one depicting a nude man and the other a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for 100 years when one day an angel came down from the sky and brought the two statues to life. The angel told them, “As a reward for enduring a multitude of blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do whatever you wish.”

The man looked at the woman, she looked at him, and they went running behind some shrubbery. The angel bided his time as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued. Fifteen minutes later the naked couple returned, out of breath and laughing. The angel said, “You still have 15 minutes left to do whatever you wish.”

The man asked the woman, “Shall we do it again?”

She eagerly replied, “Oh, yes, but let’s change positions. This time I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.” 

Question: What do you call a guy who doesn’t like having his dick sucked?

Answer: Dead. 

A married couple were at home watching TV one night. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

Mary became more and more annoyed. Finally she muttered, “For God’s sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!” 

After Tony died and was judged, God told him he couldn’t go to heaven right away because he had sinned. “What did I do wrong?” Tony wondered.

“You cheated on your taxes,” God replied. “To get into heaven, you will have to sleep with a 400-pound, butt-ugly woman for five years. Meet Denice.”

Deciding this was a small price to pay for an eternity in paradise, Tony wandered off with his enormous mate. As they were walking, he spotted his friend Carlos, who was with a woman even bigger and uglier than Denice. Tony approached him and asked, “What’s going on?”

“I cheated on my taxes and scammed the government out of money for decades,” Carlos explained.

The men decided to hang out together. As Tony, Carlos and their massive mates were walking along, the guys spotted their friend Jon. To their surprise, he was with a drop-dead-gorgeous supermodel type. Tony and Carlos scooted up to him, and Tony asked, “How did you rate such a beautiful goddess while Carlos and I got stuck with these butt-ugly tubbies?”

“It’s kinda puzzling,” Jon replied. “This is the most awesome part of my life, even though I’m dead. I’m getting five years of the best sex any man could wish for. And one thing’s really confusing. Every time we get done screwing, my girl rolls over and yells, ‘Fucking taxes!’”