Jokes

A young man walked into a library and asked the female librarian, “Do you have that new book for men with small penises?”

She looked for it on a computer and replied, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”

“Yeah, that’s the one!” the guy exclaimed.

Two nurses were giving a comatose woman a bed bath in her hospital room. One was washing the patient’s privates and noticed a slight twitch whenever she touched her pussy. Since the heartbeat monitor showed a positive response, she told the other nurse to try it, and sure enough there was movement and improved vital signs.

The nurses decided to call the patient’s husband and explained what had happened. “As crazy as this sounds,” he was told, “maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring your wife out of her coma.”

The man was skeptical when he got to the hospital, but the nurses assured him that they would leave him alone while he tended to his wife. He stepped into the room, and a few minutes later all of the monitors started squawking. The patient was flatlining—no heartbeat, no breathing.

The nurses rushed into her room. “What happened?!” one cried.

“I’m not sure,” the husband muttered, zipping his fly. “I think she choked.”

Finishing a prepared statement, the blustering politician threw the press conference open for questions.

“Is it true you were born in a log cabin?” one sarcastic reporter asked.

“You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln,” the politician answered. “I was born in a manger.” 

Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic-waste dumps?

Answer: New Jersey had first choice.

Finishing a prepared statement, the blustering politician threw the press conference open for questions.

“Is it true you were born in a log cabin?” one sarcastic reporter asked.

“You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln,” the politician answered. “I was born in a manger.” 

Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic-waste dumps?

Answer: New Jersey had first choice.

A very wealthy 55-year-old woman had a heart attack and was rushed to a hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Upon seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?”

God replied, “No, you have another 33 years, two months and eight days to live.”

While recovering, the woman realized that she had a lot more time on earth, so she figured she might as well make the most of it. When a doctor said she was ready to be discharged, she decided to stay in the hospital. She had a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. She even had a stylist come in to change her hair color, and a dentist whitened her teeth.

Once her makeover was complete, the woman left the hospital. While crossing a street on her way home, she was struck by a speeding ambulance and killed.

Arriving in front of God, she growled, “I thought you said I’d live another 33 years, two months and eight days. Why didn’t you pull me from the path of that ambulance?”

God looked at her and said, “Girl, I didn’t recognize you.”

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb,” one doc grumbled. “She does everything totally backwards. Last week I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every ten hours. She gave him ten milligrams every two hours. He nearly died!”

“That’s nothing!” the second doctor exclaimed. “Yesterday I told Nurse Jenny to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!”

Suddenly the two doctors heard a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh, my God!” the first doctor shrieked. “I just remembered, I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil.”

Question:  How do we know that God likes women better than men?

Answer: Multiple orgasms.

A HUSTLER reader sent us an interesting observation: “I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched that way.”

 HUSTLER Wisdom: When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!

Charlie was watching TV when his wife walked up from behind and smacked him on the back of the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?!” Charlie grunted.

His wife explained, “I found a piece of paper with Betty Sue written on it.”

“Jeez, honey,” Charlie sighed. “Remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the horse that I went there to bet on.”

His wife shrugged and walked away. A couple of days later Charlie was reading the newspaper when his wife again snuck up from behind and whacked him on the noggin with the frying pan. “What was that for?!” Charlie asked.

His wife snarled, “Your horse just sent you a text!” 

Question:  What’s the difference between baseball and politics?

Answer: In baseball you’re out when you get caught stealing. 

Three old women were sitting on a park bench when a man suddenly jumped out and flashed them. Two of the biddies immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn’t quite reach. 

Question:  What do you call having sex with a woman when she’s ovulating?

Answer: A lesson in fertility. 

A new priest, Father Brian, was nervous about hearing confessions, so he asked an older priest, Father Dennis, to sit in on his first sessions. After Father Brian heard several confessions, Father Dennis asked him to step out of the confessional booth for a few pointers. “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he suggested.

Father Brian tried out the gesture, and his mentor was pleased. Father Dennis then suggested, “Try saying things like ‘I understand’ and ‘How did you feel about that?’”

After Father Brian repeated these words, Father Dennis nodded approvingly and said, “Now don’t you think that’s a little more appropriate than slapping your knee and crying out, ‘No shit! So what happened next?’” 

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a quick kick from a cow right to his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as Olaf could manage, he went to the doctor. “How bad is it, Doc?” he gasped. “I’m getting married next week, and my fiancée, Lena, is still a virgin.”

The doctor told him, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on as long as you can.” The doctor then took four tongue depressors, wrapped them around Olaf’s wiener and taped it all together—quite an impressive work of art.

Not mentioning any of this to Lena, Olaf married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in their motel room, Lena ripped off her wedding dress to reveal her untouched breasts and unpenetrated twat. “Olaf, you’re the first one!” she exclaimed. “No has ever seen these.”

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and announced, “Look at this, my darling. It’s still in the crate!” 

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his assistant for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The assistant thought a moment and then purred, “Everything but my earrings.” 

Question: What did the leper say to the hooker?

Answer: Keep the tip. 

A carpenter was about to put a nail into the church roof when he accidentally hit his thumb with the hammer. “Goddammit, I missed!” he yelped.

From down below the church’s pastor fired back, “You shouldn’t say that! Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain!”

“Why not, Reverend?!” the carpenter sneered. “Will I be struck by a bolt of lightning or something?”

“Yes, you might be,” the pastor warned.

A moment later there was a terrific flash as a lightning bolt shot down from the sky. It whizzed by the carpenter and struck the pastor dead. Seconds later a voice from above boomed out, “Goddammit, I missed!” 

A retiree from Florida sent us a cockamamie email: The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Findings were just released by Statistics Canada and a United Nations health agency. They revealed that American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex once or twice a week, where as Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice a year, if they are lucky. This news came as a shock to me and my golf buddies, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese. 

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines bigamy as: two rites making a wrong. 

One night young Timmy walked into his parents’ bedroom, where his father was sitting on the side of the bed and sliding on a condom. Attempting to hide his erection and the rubber, the father bent over and pretended to be looking for something under the bed.

“What are you doing, Dad?” Timmy asked.

“Oh, uh, I thought I saw a rat run under the bed,” the father replied.

“What are you gonna do?” Timmy hissed. “Fuck it?!”

HUSTLER Wisdom: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. 

Question:  What did the redneck do with his first 50-cent piece?

Answer: He married her. 

Question:  What do diapers and politicians have in common?

Answer: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. 

Opponents of laws legalizing the recreational use of marijuana argue that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. Next they’ll be saying that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. 

Leery husband: “Honey, where are you?”

Wife: “At home, dear.”

Husband: “Are you sure?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Husband: “Turn on the blender.”

Wife: (Blender starts up.) RWRWRWR .

Husband: “Okay, dear. Goodbye.”

Another day. Leery husband: “Honey, where are you?”

Wife: “At home, dear.”

Husband: “Are you sure?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Husband: “Turn on the blender.”

Wife: (Blender starts up.) RWRWRWR .

Husband: “Okay, dear. Goodbye.”

The following day the husband decides to go home early. He finds his son in the kitchen and asks, “Where’s your mother?”

“I don’t know, Dad. She grabbed the blender and went out.”

Question: What’s the worst thing about marrying a nymphomaniac?

Answer: In a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac doesn’t.