Jokes

Two middle-aged spinsters were chatting. “George Johnson asked me out for a date,” Dorothy divulged. “I know you went out with him last week, Edna, so I wanted to talk with you about him before I give my answer.”

“I’ll tell you everything,” Edna said. “George showed up at my house punctually at 7 p.m., dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit, and handed me a beautiful bouquet. Parked at the curb was a limousine with a chauffeur, and off we went. First we had a marvelous dinner—lobster, French champagne, dessert and after-dinner drinks. Then George and I went to a movie. I was having such a good time, Dorothy, I could have just died from pleasure!”

“George seems like a very nice guy,” Dorothy remarked.

“Let me finish!” Edna snapped. “Once the limo got to my house, I asked George to come in, and he turned into an animal. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me three times!”

“Goodness gracious!” Dorothy gasped. “Are you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with George?”

“No, no, no,” Edna replied, smiling. “I’m just saying wear an old dress.” 

Three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man suddenly jumped out and flashed them. Two of the biddies immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn’t quite reach. 

Opponents of laws legalizing the recreational use of marijuana argue that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. Next they’ll be saying that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. 

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer, and Judy married again. She and Bob raised seven more kids. After Bob was killed in a car accident, Judy wed John and had five more children. By the time Judy died, she’d given birth to 25 children.

Standing before Judy’s coffin, the preacher thanked God for this loving woman. He then bellowed, “Lord, they are finally together!”

Two of Judy’s close friends were sitting next to each other at the funeral, and Ethel leaned over to ask Maggie, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

Maggie whispered, “I think he means her legs, Ethel, her legs.” 

The nurse assured Tony, “Of course I won’t laugh. I’m a professional. For 20 years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay, then,” Tony said as he proceeded to drop his pants and shorts, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stifle a giggle, but it came out anyway. “I’m sorry,” she said, regaining her composure. “I don’t know what came over me. I promise it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Tony replied. The nurse ran out of the room. 

A husband walked into the bedroom and found his wife packing a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m moving to Nevada,” his wife told him. “I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for free! ”

Later, before making her getaway, the wife walked back into the bedroom and saw her husband packing a suitcase. When she asked him where he was going, he snarled, “I’m coming too. I wanna see how you’ll live on $800 a year.” 

Question: How do we know that God likes women better than men?

Answer: Multiple orgasms. 

HUSTLER WISDOM:  Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. 

A sexy speech therapist named Carla was at an impasse with three male stutterers. Deciding it was time for drastic action, she announced, “I’ll give a blowjob to the man who can tell me where he was born without stuttering.”

Patrick quickly stood up and said, “B-b-b-boston.” He angrily shook his head and sat down.

James got up and went, “C-c-c-cleveland.” Disappointed, he slapped his own face and sat back down too.

Daniel stood up and told the therapist, “I’m from Miami.”

Carla dropped to her knees and made good on her promise. After finishing the BJ, she asked, “How was that?”

“B-b-b-beach.” 

A priest entered his donkey in a race, and it won. Pleased with the result, he entered his donkey in the next race. It won again. The local newspaper’s headline read, “Priest’s ass out front.”

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day’s headline read, “Bishop scratches priest’s ass.”

This was too much for the bishop. He demanded that the priest get rid of the donkey, and the priest decided to give it to a young nun in a nearby convent. Hearing about the sale, the newspaper ran a story with the headline “Nun has the best ass in town!”

Infuriated again, the bishop informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible. She sold it to a farmer for ten bucks. The next day’s headline read, “Nun sells ass for $10.”

This angered the bishop so much, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and take it out to the countryside, where it could run wild. The next day the paper went with “Nun announces her ass is wild and free!”

The bishop had a massive heart attack and died and never, ever had to read a newspaper again.

Steven and Gwen had been dating for a month without any sex. When Steven asked Gwen if she was finally ready to put out, she responded, “No, honey. I told you I don’t believe in premarital sex.”

Steven exclaimed, “Who said anything about getting married?!”

You know you’re getting old when your wife invites you to run upstairs for hot sex, and you tell her she’ll have to choose because you can’t do both.

Question: What state has the biggest assholes?

Answer: Texas. Everything’s bigger in Texas!

An American touring Spain stopped at a bistro following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling platter being served at a neighboring table. Not only did it look scrumptious, but the aroma was also wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that dish you just served?”

“Ah, señor, you have excellent taste!” the waiter remarked. “Those are the testicles from the bullfight this afternoon. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck?! I’m on vacation. Please bring me an order.”

“I am so sorry, señor,” the waiter apologized. “We have only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each afternoon. If you come in early tomorrow and place your order, we will save you this delicacy.”

The next morning the American placed his order and went sightseeing. That evening he returned to the bistro and was served the one and only special entrée of the day. After a few bites, he inspected his platter and summoned the waiter. “These are delicious,” the American noted, “but they’re much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged and explained, “Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins.” 

Question: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Answer: How do you breathe through that thing? 

A woman holding a baby girl was waiting for the pediatrician to come into the examining room for the infant’s first checkup. The doctor arrived and did a thorough exam.

Concerned about the infant’s low weight, he asked the woman, “Is she being bottle-fed or breastfed?”

“Breastfed,” she replied.

“Please strip down to your waist,” the doctor instructed.

The woman did so, and the doctor pinched both of her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts in a very professional manner. While motioning to the woman to get dressed, the doctor remarked, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” the woman snickered. “I’m the baby’s aunt, but I’m glad I came in.” 

Grandpa and Grandma were spending the night at the home of their grandson Robert and his family. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet, he asked Robert about using one of the blue pills.

“I don’t think you should take one, Grandpa,” Robert warned. “They’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How expensive?” Grandpa asked.

“Twenty dollars a pill,” Robert answered.

“I don’t care,” Grandpa muttered. “I’d still like to try one. I’ll hide the money under a pillow before we take off in the morning.”

After waking up the next morning, Robert walked into the empty guest room and found $120 under a pillow. He immediately called his grandfather and said, “I told you each pill was $20, not $120.”

“I know,” Grandpa replied. “The extra 100 bucks was from Grandma.”

A man told his wife, “I hope to die while having sex.”

To which his wife responded, “Well, at least it would be quick.”

Question: What do you call a couple who practices the withdrawal method of birth control?

Answer: Parents. 

A blind man went into a restaurant and took a seat. The owner came to his table and asked, “Menu, sir?”

“No,” the patron replied. “I’m blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order.”

The confused owner found a dirty fork, and the blind man sniffed it, inhaling deeply. “Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and broccoli.”

Unbelievable! the owner thought.

The blind guy ate his meal and left.

Two weeks later he returned. Wanting to see how good the customer’s sense of smell really was, the owner rushed into the kitchen, where his wife Brenda was cooking. “Do me a favor,” he said. “Rub this fork over your pussy.” Brenda was puzzled, but did as her husband requested.

The owner went back to the customer and handed him the fork. The blind man stuck it under his nose, took a deep breath and gasped, “Mmm, I didn’t know that Brenda worked here.”

An unemployed man grumbled to the receptionist, “When I go to the blood bank, a nurse draws the blood for me.”

The receptionist snapped, “That’s not how it works at a sperm bank.” 

Jack and Manny were shooting the shit at a bar one night. “I went for a routine checkup today,” Jack told his pal. “Everything seemed to be going fine until I felt a finger going up my butt! You think I should change dentists?” 

Mrs. Brown was having sex one afternoon while her husband was at work. Her 14-year-old son Richie came home early from school, saw what was going on in the bedroom and hid in the closet to watch.

Then Mr. Brown came home, and Mrs. Brown scooted her lover into the closet, not realizing that Richie was already in there. “Dark in here,” the boy whispered.

The man said, “Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball,” Richie told him. “Wanna buy it?”

“No, thanks,” his mom’s lover replied.

“My dad is outside,” Richie warned.

“Okay, how much?”

“Two hundred and fifty bucks.”

A few days later, Richie and his mom’s lover were back in the closet again. “Dark in here,” the boy whispered.

“Yes, it is,” the man agreed. “I have a baseball glove. Wanna buy it?”

“How much?”

“Seven hundred and fifty bucks,” Richie replied.

A few weeks later Mr. Brown came home and said, “Grab your glove, Richie. Let’s go outside and play catch.”

“I can’t,” Richie responded. “I sold my baseball and glove.”

“How much did you sell them for?” his dad asked.

“A thousand dollars,” Richie owned up.

“Overcharging someone like that is a sin,” God-fearing Mr. Brown bellowed. “I’m taking you to church right now so you can confess.”

Once they arrived, Richie stepped into the confessional and closed the curtain. “Dark in here,” he whispered.

“Don’t start that shit, kid!” snarled the priest. 

A dapper dude was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep his dong from getting sunburned, he placed a hat over his crotch. Soon a woman walked by and snickered, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift your hat.”

The sunbather raised an eyebrow and muttered, “If you weren’t so ugly, ma’am, it would lift itself.” 

Hal and Ida were planning a second honeymoon to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Ida suggested, “Let’s go to the same places we did on our first honeymoon.”

“Uh-huh,” Hal grunted.

“And,” Ida continued, “we will do all the things that we did back then.”

“Uh-huh,” Hal repeated, still paying little attention to his babbling wife.

“And we’ll make love just like we did on our first honeymoon,” Ida gushed.

That perked Hal up. “Uh-huh, dear,” he agreed. “But this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and yell, ‘It’s too fucking big! It’s too fucking big!’” 

Leo’s wife, Debbie, was having issues in the bedroom. She finally told Leo that she couldn’t reach an orgasm because she got too hot when the couple had sex. They consulted a specialist, who suggested making sure that there was a steady supply of cool air in the bedroom.

Not wanting to raise the electricity bill with a fan, cheapskate Leo asked his best friend, Buster, to drop by and waft a towel while he and his wife made love. After 20 minutes Debbie was no closer to orgasm, while Leo was desperately trying to hold out.

Seeing Leo’s torment, Buster recommended that they switch places, and he began screwing Debbie while Leo vigorously wafted the towel. Two minutes later Debbie was shuddering with the most incredible orgasm she’d ever had.

Leo looked at Buster and proudly proclaimed, “Now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel!”

Question: If jerking off were a crime, what would that make all men?

Answer: Repeat offenders.

Three gay men died and were scheduled to be cremated. Their respective partners happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and they began discussing what they would do with the ashes. The first fellow said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.”

The second mourner said, “My Carl was an avid fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”

The third guy bellowed, “My Leroy was such an amazing lover that I think I’m gonna dump his ashes into a pot of chili so he can tear up my ass one more time!”

A man called out to his wife, “Honey, do you have a minute?”

From another room she shouted back, “Jesus, Bill, we just had sex last month!”