This Ain’t Dracula XXX

It’s being hawked as a parody, but this suckfest is actually a straight-faced (and very loose) literary adaptation of the Bram Stroker—er, Stoker—classic. Jonathan Harker shows up at Dracula’s castle to hash out some financial deal or other. (Castle foreclosure?) He meets Evan Stone in a ridiculous wig and— pow!—before he knows it, he’s banging three of the count’s best cunts. Meanwhile, fiancée Mina (a hypnotic Jessi Palmer) seduces her girlfriend Lucy (the sexy-slutty Marie McCray) in a comely scene that we don’t recall being in the book. Elsewhere, flyeating nutjob Renfield (a role Tom Byron sinks his teeth into) finds asylum in his nurse’s anus. (We’ll take that over Zoloft any day.) Dracula, of course, is the marquis de sodomy himself and does a fine job of turning Jessi into his latest butt-bride. Thanks to its blend of costumey goth porn, digital 3D effects, syrupy music and pompous acting, watching This Ain’t Dracula XXX is like drinking a Viagra-laced bottle of absinthe. It packs a bite that’ll probably kill you…unless you’re already dead. Order it on page 124.