The Divine Danica Dillon
As an outspoken champion of family values and the Christian faith, I know a lot more about pornography than most people would suspect, so it takes a lot to impress me. But my prolific loins—four kids and counting!—were greatly satisfied when I recently came upon a heavenly XXX angel in the form of Danica Dillon. Lord, did I come upon her—multiple times and with great fervor. I first encountered Danica in Barely Legal All Girl Toy Party, a video celebration of women pleasuring themselves and each other with various devices. I immediately set aside the Ashley Madison profile that I had been updating, along with the admonishment against lesbianism contained in Romans 1:26-27. Watching this brunet vixen on all fours, rubbing her dung hatch while another woman drilled her sacred chamber with a plastic phallus, I must confess, I allowed my hands to engage in an activity more immediately gratifying than prayer. Intrigued by this new addition to my life, I sought out Barely Legal #109. Now, as many of you may know, the phrase barely legal suggests a variety of woman more ripe than I have been accustomed to in the past. But ageism be damned, along with my hypocritical soul. Watching Dani—yes, we’re familiar enough for nicknames—finger her inner sanctum while slobbering upon the holy sacrament of her partner’s blood-swollen pound of flesh, I groped at my belt buckle like it was a slumbering sister on a hot Arkansas night. Quickly becoming addicted to this enchantress, I acquired a copy of This Ain’t Avatar XXX. As you’ll recall, the film that inspired this title was met with opposition by fundamentalist Christians such as myself. However, I was drawn in by the visually stunning production values of this offering, as well as the visually stunning presence of Dani. Despite my theological quibbles with the video, I worked up a sturdy hard-on by channeling my violent urges, envisioning myself manhandling Dani like a rag doll, much like the humans planned to exploit the Na’vi in the original James Cameron film. My resulting orgasm definitely depleted the natural resources residing in my testicles. Danica Dillon is most certainly a savior worth giving your life over to—or at least sacrificing your family for, along with a career in reality TV. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another religious-based “counseling” session to attend. Redemption, here I come! —Anonymous
DISCLAIMER: THE ABOVE REVIEW IS A PARODY AND WAS DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY NOT WRITTEN BY JOSH DUGGAR.
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