Spartacus MMXII: The Beginning

Ah, for the days when sex slaves were literally slaves. (No, this ain’t Roots XXX, you sickos.) This cum-soaked version of the epic blood-and-sandals story is no parody—at least not intentionally. Director Marcus London wrote too many words, so his porn stars get to act a lot—saying things like “Mind your tongue” and “Was her cunt pleasing?” Pure gold. The cunts in this picture please indeed. Devon Lee starts the slave abuse by making poor Dixus (or whatever his name is) cream all over her excellence and get a sponge bath from cock-slurping handmaidens. No wonder Rome’s slaves took hundreds of years to revolt. Meanwhile, Spartacus (yes, London gave himself the title role) rage-fucks Tanya Tate, giving a nice, hard bounce to her historically wrong boobjob. Here’s a line you might want to use at the local bar: “It will feel like the gods themselves are inside you.” (Check out our profile of Tanya in World of Sex.) The jaw-dropping Miko Lee shows up later to sap some warrior strength. (Don’t try to wield any iron swords after her scene.) Sure, we get way too many excuses for porn’s buffest studs to stand around looking sweaty and dirty (may as well get the gays and ladies watching too), but the phony gladiators manage to pull off some decent stuntwork. (Slo-mo and Editus help out.) This is one of the bloodiest XXX flicks in a while, even if it probably doesn’t beat your last backyard wrestling event. Shot on porn ranches just north of Hollywood, the inaugural Spartacus MMXII is an impressive XXX cockbuster with lots of big props, pliable maidens and happy endings. That Roman Viagra was good shit.