Countdown

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and jessica drake feels fine, mostly because some mook is expertly tonguing her twat. By the way, the official doomsday deadline is 12/21/12, so go ahead and max out your credit cards on hookers. Anyway, back to this cockbuster: jessica and her re-augmented boobs have the inside dope on some Armageddon meteor shit, which turns the world into a cry-in-your-beer pity party. Fortunately, Dana DeArmond and her gaping shitpipe rush in to save the picture with a decent bone-and moan, then whiny Alektra Blue and Kaylani Lei ride out the end with some deep impact at a desert motel. Between those signs of life, there’s loads of deadly dialogue to bloat the screen time. (The director even gives himself a couple of endless sad-sack scenes.) The flick’s best actresses—Misty Stone and Lezley Zen—get only supporting parts, probably because they’re not Wicked Girls, but they make the most of their remaining minutes. When you see the end coming on December 21, do what the dudes in this movie did: Find a wet hole to hide in. It’s the only way to go.