Behind the Scenes: Bomb Squad

Shooting big-budget porn is a lot like mainstream. The horsing around and socializing happen off-set, in makeup and wardrobe. To get up close with the stars, that’s where you want to be.

An array of motorcycles and cameras stud the set. Men scurry around to perfect the take. I sit in the next room, in an emancipated harem filled with girls dressing and undressing, preening themselves in the mirrors under bright lights. Fishnets, bras, panties, socks, hairspray, lotion, perfume, powder, boots and heels decorate the space as the ladies of HUSTLER’s new action flick prettify. Already gorgeous when they walked in, the actresses prepare all day, waiting patiently and professionally for their turn to fuck.

ANDY SAN DIMAS is an expert on cheesy butt rock. She flaunts her style in a vintage Scorpions T-shirt. If she could pick the perfect theme song for this shoot, it would be “Freight Train” by Nitro. She says “Down Boys” by Warrant would be playing in her scene as she goes down on Jessie Andrews.

This movie is like one big, power ballad of love. “I like a couple Scorpions songs,” says Andy. “‘Wind of Change’ brings a tear to my eye.”

As for the real Expendables, she most identifies with Dolph Lundgren. He’s maintained his looks and fuckability. Arnold is a bit more complicated.

“I don’t like big buff guys, but I’d let Arnold have it on one of these motorcycles. He was cute, but he’s an asshole because he fucked that really ugly, disgusting maid that he had. The fact that he came inside her and didn’t care is proof that he’s horny. Cumming inside a woman is the manliest feeling there is.”

LONDON KEYES is heating up, decked out in black platform combat boots and lace stockings like a made-over Jet Li. She’s a warm-skinned, luscious 23-year-old from the Pacific Northwest, prepped for her scene with Ryan Driller and Ana Foxxx. This isn’t her first parody feature, but she prefers gonzo.

“You come in, fuck, and you’re done.”

There’s time to study her dialogue, but she’s not nervous. She’s always done well memorizing right off the bat. Her lines are all typical stuff, like “That’s really fucking annoying.” And “She’s a psychotic fucking drug addict!”

ANA FOXXX is curled up in the corner of the couch with her feet up, studying her lines, fully dressed as weapons specialist Hale Queen. Ana loved the original Expendables because of the hot guys. “I will definitely be watching this one. Chicks instead of dudes, heck yeah!”

London, lounging near Ana amid piles of purses, backpacks, shoes and wardrobe bags, confesses she would fuck Mickey Rourke. “For some weird reason, he’s really hot! There’s something about him,” she giggles. “Even in Iron Man. It’s just the way he is, I don’t know. I think it’s a crackhead thing!” she blurts out, laughing.

“Philosophically, an expendable is something you have to supply for a film, like clothespins,” says Kylie Ireland, cryptically. She’s Guns Jensen, the Dolph character for this pornification. If she had to choose one, she’d take Mickey Rourke too. Creepy, older guys turn her on.

Kylie’s always wanted to play a badass. Her ex-boyfriend wrote “this bullet bitchin’ script.” She confesses that for the right amount of money, she would do any of her exes on film. It would just cost a lot.

JESSIE ANDREWS doesn’t have to lug machine guns or load ammo. Her character is just a pretty girl who gets fucked, in a lesbian way. She dresses in girl-next-door clothes and has a fetish for throwing them away. Before she left the house, she trashed two scarves, three tank tops and one pair of sweatpants.

Jessie’s a cheerful daisy in a patch of clover no matter what political issues plague the day. “I just ate at Chick-fil-A before I got here. I don’t give a fuck about politics. I had a sweet tea, chicken nuggets and fries, with HRB sauce.” Her little honeyroasted- barbecue smile drenches each nugget she sees.

The day is long for the cast and crew. It’s not the sex that’s painstaking; it’s the technical detail. For the CGI effects, there’s a separate green-screen set, where Tera Patrick’s scenes are being shot. Yes, that Tera Patrick. Still hot as a freshly fired assault weapon.

Expect This Ain’t The Expendables XXX to be an epic of machismo proportions, minus the steroids. No sexism worries here; the women have hijacked this motherfucker and made it their own. Get ready to get hit like a “Freight Train.”