According to an intelligence report released by BuzzFeed, the Russian government “has been cultivating, supporting and assisting Trump for at least five years,” and Trump and “his inner circle have accepted a regular flow of intelligence from the Kremlin, including on his Democratic and other political rivals.”
That’s not the only flow Trump is said to have accepted. The Kremlin allegedly arranged and monitored Trump’s activities while in Moscow, which included “employing a number of prostitutes to perform a ‘golden showers’ (urination) show in front of him.” The deed is supposed to have taken place in the Ritz Carlton Hotel’s presidential suite, because, according to the report, Trump knew that President and Mrs. Obama had stayed there during one of their official trips, so he wanted to defile their bed because he, like, totally hates them. (Hey, Donald—wouldn’t it have made more sense to defile the bed before, and not after? That’s like sticking someone’s discarded toothbrush up your own ass and then brushing your teeth with it.) The report explains that the FSB, the Kremlin’s leading spy agency, was under Putin’s direction to “exploit Trump’s personal obsessions and sexual perversion in order to obtain suitable ‘kompromat’ on him.”Kompromat sounds like a place to bring your piss-soaked sheets, but is Russian for “compromising shit that can be used for blackmail.” Trump denied the allegations in a press conference, calling the report “nonsense” in language suggesting that he’s well-versed in the stuff: “I want to thank a lot of the news organizations here today because they looked at that nonsense that was released by maybe the intelligence agencies—who knows but maybe the intelligence agencies, which would be a tremendous blot on their record if they in fact did that, a tremendous blot. Because a thing like that should have never been written—it should never have been had, and it should certainly have never been released. But I want to thank a lot of the news organizations for—some of whom have not treated me very well over the years.” Huh? Golden showers are no big deal, but being so stupid that you don’t realize the Kremlin is monitoring you? That’s dumb enough to make us think you did it.
