America is known for excess. We do a lot of everything—shopping, eating, drinking, driving and shooting. The one thing we’re not doing a lot of lately is fucking. We’re just not putting up the fornication numbers like back in the day. According to research done for the Archives of Sexual Behavior, love American style has been in steady decline. The study concludes that people born in the 1930s are having more sex than those born in the 1990s. In other words, men and women in their 80s are humping more than millennials! Which makes sense when you consider that millennials spell sex with a t at the end. The report suggests the reason our numbers are down is because a greater percentage of people are single these days. The best solution to this problem is obviously to encourage sex parties and orgies across the country. Maybe we could bring the U.S. together for one huge swingerfest, like Hands Across America, but connecting pussies to dicks and mouths to tits. Now, that’s the kind of unifying cause we could all get behind.
