Praise the Lord and pass the ammo! So goes the pretzel logic of Spike’s Tactical, a Florida gun manufacturer selling a “Christian-themed” assault rifle. Dubbed “The Crusader,” the AR-15 is etched with a Knights Templar Cross and shield (you know, the kind carried into battle by medieval crusaders) and Biblical verse: “Blessed be the Lord, my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle.” In a demonstration featured on the company’s YouTube channel, Spike’s Tactical spokesman, Ben “Mookie” Thomas, explains that the weapon is designed to ensure “that no Muslim terrorist will ever pick it up to use it to bring harm against another person.” Dressed in a black T-shirt and khaki short-shorts that showcase a middle-aged paunch and pale, meaty thighs, a red-faced Mookie strides through an empty field, grimacing as he empties several clips into the distance. Boy, is he mad at those weeds! And does he love his magic assault rifle! “I’d like to have a gun that if a Muslim terrorist picked it up, a bolt of lightning would hit and knock him dead,” he told one local media outlet. Lightning aside, it’s not clear how “Muslim terrorists” would be prevented from touching the weapon, which retails for $1,395 and comes with three safety selectors: “Peace,” “War,” and “God Wills It.” (Sadly, there are no settings for “Crazy!” or “Fuckin’ Stupid.”) Thomas says he’s not a bigot though, explaining on his Facebook page, “When you are a guest in someone else’s home, you want to respect their cultural traditions. Mind your manners. Appreciate the diversity. But sometimes you get sent to Afghanistan. They rape boys, stone girls and set gay people on fire. I’m sorry. Their culture sucks.” As a resident of Florida, which contains more of the nation’s 100 most dangerous cities than any other state, including Texas and New York combined, we guess he’d know; type “Why is Flor” into Google—just the first four letters of the state, and the top two autofill responses generated are “Why is Florida so bad” and “Why is Florida so weird.” But, hey, Mookie’s totally nice. He wants everyone to be able to buy this assault rifle (unless, of course, you’re a “Muslim terrorist”). He’s offering financing at the low, low rate of 9.99% APR to 17.99% APR just so you can purchase one of BITS&PIECES these babies: “A great option for people who want to purchase a gun as a birthday gift or Christmas present for a loved one,” he explains. HUSTLER thinks Mookie should aim higher. If Psalm 144:1 works to prevent “Muslim terrorists” from touching a weapon, what jingle, psalm, knock-knock joke, poem, riddle, etc. would prevent all assholes, kooks and maniacs from putting their hands on a gun? Let us know and we’ll pass it on. We smell a Nobel Peace Prize…
