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December 2022

Jazlyn Ray
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Photo:  John Gollop / Alamy Stock Photo
Featured Article

Cock Ring Calamity

Sure, it might be tempting to slap one of these coital contraptions onto your junk in search of a good fucking time, but beware—without the proper precautions, you could end up snaring your schlong in a very uncomfortable situation.

Any man who’s worth his weight in jizz (whatever that means) has passed through the neon gates of their local smut shop hand-in-hand with the girl he’s been porking on a quest to procure a bucket of get-’em-off gadgets that’ll produce enough back-arching novelty nookie to ensure she isn’t going anywhere soon. Oh sure, they’ll spend some time ogling the dildos, ball gags and perhaps even weigh the pound-time possibilities of something called the Electro-Thunder Orgasmo 5000. 

It is inevitable, however, that during this quest the man will cross paths with a classic coital contraption known as the cock ring. It’ll be like a train wreck. He won’t be able to look away. Now, he may at first be intimidated by the idea of strangling his dick in pursuit of heightened pleasure, but once he sees the benefits, such as delayed ejaculation and a girthier dong, that bastard’s going to have one in his clutches while running toward the cashier. 

When the time comes to put it on, images of porn stardom will be dancing around in his pea brain. Perhaps thoughts about how he’s going to ball this young lady out for hours on end—maybe even days—wowing her with his thick, veiny member as it miraculously swells to the circumference of a casaba melon. She’ll never be the same after he’s finished with her. Muahahaha!

“I wore a cock ring a few times when I was like, 18 and sticking it in everything that moved, but I’ll never use one again.”

Ricky

Yet, right when she’s had enough, begging for him to climb down, her legs shaking and the juices from every orifice of her body have slicked up the sheets to the point where a set of handlebars would come in handy, something unexpected occurs: When he goes to remove the cock ring, it jams. It won’t come off. All of a sudden, Mr. Kong Dong is curled up in a corner begging for his partner to help pry the sucker off before his dick explodes. 

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