Hustler Magazine Features

From Sights & Sounds
in HUSTLER MAGAZINE – February 2010

BROKENCYDE
I’m Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It!
If AFI and Lil Jon had unprotected drunken sex in an alley and later had a kid (addicted to cough medicine), it would be Brokencyde. Their fucked-up debut disc is a brilliant mix of crunk and screamo perfect for you and your bastard kids.

AMANDA BLANK
I Love You
Look out, Peaches! Another horny electro chick is taking over! Amanda Blank’s flawless dance disc is a sexed-up mix of computer- driven beats, New Wave rhythms and vintage funk that is sure to get your ass sweating.

EXENE CERVENKA
Somewhere Gone
As lead singer of L.A. punk rock outfit X, Exene is a legendary music pioneer. The woman can do no wrong in our eyes. Her newest solo disc (her first since 1991) is a dreamy (yet edgy), heartfelt, country-tinged affair with moments of bliss and brilliance.

LA COKA NOSTRA
A Brand You Can Trust
Hip-hop is back, motherfuckers! Raw, rough and ready, the debut CD from this L.A. collective is the best thing to come out of rap since Dr. Dre’s The Chronic. The group is made up of House of Pain (Everlast, Danny Boy and DJ Lethal) with guests Ill Bill, Slaine and Snoop Dogg.

ANVIL
This Is Thirteen
The hapless stars of the greatest heavy metal documentary of all time return! Their most-even studio CD to date is a solid blast of hard rock packed with slamming drums and crunchy guitars.

DENNIS DIKEN WITH BELL SOUND
Late Music
The drummer of New Jersey rockers the Smithereens was born too late. He really should have been part of the ’60s. Diken’s love of ’60s rock, the Beach Boys and Spector’s Wall of Sound permeates his solo disc with Bell Sound. Late Music features harmonies, hooks and guests Jason Faulkner and the Honeys.

GWAR
Lust in Space
Need a kick-your-teeth-in blast of raunch ’n’ roll? You know that you do! Luckily Gwar, who are never ones for subtlety, are back with a hard-core aural assault of cartoon violence and heavy metal madness. Highlights include “Metal Metal Land” and “Make a Child Cry.”

Into the Presence
The drummer has played with both Primus and A Perfect Circle. The singer/guitarist is a respected sessions player with an otherworldly falsetto that will chill you to the bone. The combination is a scary-good blend of progressive rock.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Closer to the Bone
Country legend. Master storyteller. American songwriting genius. Coolest guy in the room. That’s Kris Kristofferson. Stripped down and intense, this disc is packed with country folk tales all filtered through his well-worn voice. Some things get better with age.

REVEREND HORTON HEAT
Laughin’ & Cryin’
Rockabilly redneck rockers don’t release CDs; they put out testimony of booze-soaked misadventures full of party and puke tunes. Shot glass not included.

VARIOUS ARTISTS
Ciao My Shining Star: The Songs of Mark Mulcahy
Miracle Legion/Polaris frontman Mark Mulcahy has influenced everyone from Radiohead’s Thom York to Vic Chesnutt. This tribute disc—which features the aforementioned artists as well as Josh Rouse, Juliana Hatfield, Frank Black and dozens more—helps Mulcahy raise his twin three-year-olds following the sudden death of his wife.

ROSANNE CASH
The List
In 1973, Rosanne Cash’s father handed her a list of vital American songs she should know. No big deal, except her dad was the legendary “Man in Black,” Johnny Cash. This disc draws from that list and features guest vocalists Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Costello and Jeff Tweedy. The miraculous result would make her dad proud.

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You may purchase the hard copy of the February 2010 Issue of HUSTLER Magazine (with free shipping) at HustlerMagazine.com. Comes with full length DVD and free shipping!

You may purchase a digital copy of the February 2010 Issue of HUSTLER Magazine at UnderCoverMags.com.

BY KEITH VALCOURT

Star Trek: The Next Generation
Complete Series Boldly go where few men have gone before, only this time with somewhat better special effects. Captain Jean-Luc Picard is on the bridge, navigating through the series’ great seven seasons.


Genesis: 1976-1982
This awesome collection, with two others to follow, offers five of the group’s classic albums in two-disc box sets with bonus material and DVDs. Featured here are Genesis’s breakthrough release Abacab, as well as Duke, Wind & Wuthering, …And Then There Were Three… and Trick of the Tail.


The X Files: The Ultimate Collection
The truth is in here! All nine TV seasons and the feature film this groundbreaking paranormal thriller inspired are under one roof. Get ready to spend more quality time with Mulder, Scully, Cigarette Smoking Man, the Lone Gunmen and an army of aliens.


The Johnny Cash Show: The Best of Johnny Cash 1969-1971
The legendary Man in Black and all his friends are back! Culling material from Cash’s electrifying TV show, this two- DVD set features performances from a who’s who of music icons, notably Jerry Lee Lewis, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles.


007: James Bond
Ultimate Collector’s Set True, die-hard James Bond fans prefer the films starring Sean Connery, but if you want to see every “shaken and not stirred” moment, here you go. Besides the aforementioned Scotsman, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and even Daniel Craig all appear as secret agent 007. This set is packed with so many extra bells and whistles, even Q would approve.


Bob Dylan: Dylan
Just in time for the biopic celebrating the life of the folk god comes this deluxe, three-CD box set. A truly comprehensive best-of, Dylan includes mini-LP sleeves, collectible poster cards and full album art.

FROM February 2008 Issue

Tune in as Keith Valcourt “grills” the funnier half of stoners’ favorite comedy duo.

PORTRAYING A PAIR of street-wise druggies, Cheech & Chong entertained millions through live performances, albums and movies. After the team split up in 1985, Tommy Chong continued to make audiences laugh until 2003, when he was the victim of a heavy-handed federal investigation that included entrapment, a raid and jail time— for selling glass bongs, not drugs. When the Feds threatened to imprison his family, Chong pleaded out and served nine months. Through it all, the laid-back comic never lost his sense of humor. Tommy sat down with HUSTLER to talk about Cheech & Chong’s heyday, prison life and why demons will eventually get George W. Bush.

HUSTLER: Why did Cheech & Chong break up?

TOMMY CHONG: I guess we got rich. That’s what breaks everybody up.

Do you and Cheech talk?

We’re close to becoming a partnership again.

Really?!

Yep. He came at me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. In the past, Cheech wanted to do a play about our life before we were Cheech & Chong. He was trying to do something to keep him from going back to the old bits. I just refused, saying, “If we’re not Cheech & Chong, then I don’t want to be anything.” But now it’s me and Cheech doing our old act on a high scale that encompasses movies and television.

What kept you two apart for so long?

We had a falling-out over his play.We never argued until then, even when we split up. He just sort of dropped a bombshell on me one day: “You know, I have been offered to make a movie without you, and I’m going to take it.” I was like: “Aaaaaahhhh! What?!” It took me lots of years to get over that because I was the director and the writer. The guy, you know?

Were groupies and trashing hotels part of your lifestyle?

We were hippie rock stars. We had our share of comedy groupies.

They were fans. We still got them. As far as trashing and that goes, not a bit. We shared a room for the first tour we went on. We didn’t think anything of it. It was like, “Oh, cool, we got a room.” It wasn’t until later that we started saying, “Hey, I want my own room.” Cheech and I were as tight as could be, when we had to be.

How much pot did you really smoke back then?

I was a pussy when it came to pot. So was Cheech. (Laughs.) There were many times I would go into his hotel room, and he’d be in bed with the covers around his neck, all bugeyed, saying, “I don’t know what I did. I shouldn’t have smoked it.” We were both pussies.

What was it like the morning you were raided?

It was very Cheech & Chong actually. When my wife and I heard the banging on the door of our house, she said, “There’s someone at the door.” I said, “No shit!” I walked downstairs in my little jockey shorts. We have glass doors and windows, so I could see them all [federal agents]. They looked like trick-or-treaters, like a bunch of guys raiding a comedian’s house. It was like being “punked.” They said, “Open up, this is a raid! We have a warrant.” They burst in, handed me the warrant. I couldn’t read it because I didn’t have my glasses, and it was dark. One of them said, “We are here to seize the items on this warrant.” Then he asked if I had any marijuana. I said, “Um, yeah, every room. Take your pick.”

I tried to help him. That’s what stoners do. So I asked them, “What kind of a drug raid is this without dogs?” He said, “We are not really looking for marijuana.” I asked what they were looking for, and he said, “We’ll tell you in a minute.” They went marching out with all the computers. That’s what really pissed me off. Because once they get them, they ruin them. You might as well throw them in the garbage. Fuckers!

The funny part was I turned to the guy and said I got to take a shit. He told one of his guys to go with me. I told him, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. You don’t want to be around an old man when he takes a dump in the morning. That could ruin you.” (Laughs.) They kept asking me if I had any weapons in the house. They wanted to find a fucking gun. If they had, I would’ve been in jail five years.

What were the Feds looking for?

Publicity, bottom line. Right before the raid on Iraq, I was on the road doing all kinds of conservative radio shows talking shit. I think that got me on their radar. They investigated the bong company my son owned. Did the entrapment thing so we would ship bongs across the state line and break the law. They would have gotten my son, so I pled guilty.

What was jail like?

It was like Club Med, only with Cheech & Chong fans. I did the full nine months. (Long pause.) It was good. It was a life-changing experience all around.

Are you angry about the ordeal?

No, because I pled guilty. I also needed the experience. I’ve been talking the talk for years. How many guys can you say have made a living, made millions of dollars getting high? I told my son, if you talk the talk, you’d better walk the walk. I really didn’t believe that you could go to jail for smoking something that makes you laugh. This is an injustice I had to bring attention to.

What do you think of the Bush Administration?

I really think that George W. Bush is going to win Last Comic Standing. He’s got a helluva shot. I don’t see anyone out there that’s funnier.

How long was your probation, and what were the terms?

I had to quit the play I was doing, The Marijuana-Logues.

Why?

When you are on probation, you’re still in jail. That’s why they couldn’t put Scooter Libby on probation. Because he had to do some jail time first. You have to check in with your probation officer. There is a clause in there saying that if you witness a crime and don’t report it, then you are subject to five years additional jail time and five years more probation.

If the government got pissed off at me for doing the “monologues” and checked on the show in Seattle, where they saw several people smoking pot all over the place, and I didn’t report it, I would go back to jail for five years. This is a government that had just put me in jail for one count of [selling] a bong for nine months. They would have loved to get me. So I had to quit the show right on the road, fly back to L.A. and report to my probation officer. I wrote out exactly what crimes I saw and gave the reason why I quit the show. They weren’t happy. I had a feeling they wanted me back in jail.

Have you stopped smoking pot these days?

No. I smoke it now. I broke my fast of not doing it. I was at Hunter S. Thompson’s house, so I had to. I felt his ghost put the joint in my mouth and light it up. Do you worry about getting busted? I’m aware. I don’t travel with it. I got my medical card. When I travel, all the fans give me presents. I just leave it behind. I tell the conservative talk-show hosts that pot is so readily available now, I would be an idiot to take it on a plane. Fucking Homeland Security is gonna look through it. If I have to quit for good, then okay. I’ve never been addicted to anything other than my old lady.

Back to Scooter Libby.

He was the Achilles’ heel of the Bush Administration. Patrick Fitzgerald did to Scooter what they did to me. He wanted Cheney and the big boys. That administration has broken so many laws—not only American laws, international laws. Their ass is hanging out there for the Hague and the World Court. If I were Cheney, unless he gets indicted before he gets out of office, I wouldn’t travel anywhere after he gets out, because the world is angry. Bush went to war on false pretenses. On lies! They invaded a country, executed the leader that they put in themselves. The Bush Administration, Halliburton and those guys are in it for the bucks. They have no soul and no qualms about what they are doing. We live in a perfect universe, and for every action, there is a reaction. No matter how covert their actions are, that shit will come out eventually. Sometimes it takes a long time. In Bush and Cheney’s case, it’s instant.

Why do you think Cheney shot his best friend in the face? I’ll tell you why: demons. When you allow yourself to be absent of goodness, then you are a receptacle for bad demons. Humans are put on this earth as a test. When you get lots of things thrown at you—like the wealth that Halliburton can throw in front of Cheney, or the Arabs can throw in front of Bush—that’s a lot of wealth, and if you are godless in your heart and go for that, you are wide open for the demons. And the demons fuck with you!

Will Bush get away with it?

You gotta have faith. The universe is perfect. To go through life, you have to be in balance. We are all governed by gravity. What happens to these people when they get off balance? Bad things start happening. You don’t have to worry about Bush getting away with anything. Nobody gets away with anything. You think O.J. is going to get away with anything? You think Libby or Cheney are going to get away with anything? (Laughs.) Those guys are suffering like you wouldn’t believe. Can you imagine what it is like in that White House right now? Nothing is working for those guys. It’s demons. They fuck up everything. That’s a demon’s job.

What is your final wish?

HUSTLER has got this first. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes divided amongst all the growers and put into pot plants so there will be a new strain of Chong Gold, man. “Hey, try this: It’s Chongo!”

OZZY OSBOURNE:
Black Rain

The “Prince of Darkness” sounds revived and reinvigorated on his new CD. Although none of the tracks measure up to his early solo work, it’s a solid effort. At the very least it reminds us that Ozzy is not just the star of a goofy reality show, but is still the voice of rock ‘n’ roll!

These California rockers ditch the rap/metal style that made them stars with stunningly powerful and bombastic results. While some tracks border on Depeche Mode worship, the overall disc is a decent-sounding endeavor.

Although he is best known for playing Spence, the pudgy sidekick on the mainstream sitcom King of Queens , Oswalt is a sick bastard. The alternative comic (whatever that means) delivers this very funny new CD and DVD packed with uncensored attacks on everything from KFC to Paris Hilton.

When Rick James died in 2004, he was enjoying a resurgence in popularity and recording like a madman. The first of what promises to be several posthumous discs finds the funkmaster in a mellow, romantic mood with seduction on his mind. Highlights include “Taste” and “Stroke.”

Best known for her 1980s hits “Luka” and “Tom’s Diner” (with DNA), folk/rock singer Vega has turned out a disc of sultry and seductive tunes. Beauty & Crime is sure to impress (and maybe help you undress) that cynical girl you’ve been chasing for months. Highlights include “Zephyr & I” and “Pornographer’s Dream.”

Returning to form after a ten-year hiatus is the original lineup of C.H. (minus drummer Paul Hester, who committed suicide in 2005). The band’s latest CD is packed with hummable pop gems that are sure to garner more critical acclaim and fan adoration.

Pussy, Politics and Pissing Their Pants

In the past 25 years ska-punk-funk-rock pioneers Fishbone have seen and done it all. Now vocalist/saxophonist Angelo Moore and bassist Norwood Fisher, the band’s creative backbone, recount some of their wildest antics during a memorable stop at HUSTLER headquarters.

HUSTLER: The new Fishbone CD, Still Stuck in Your Throat , has a track called “Let Dem Hos Fight.” So what do you guys think of the “nappy-headed ho” controversy?

FISHER: Well, what we did is we made a video with some stringy-headed hos so we could put a little balance to it. You know. We had some stringy-headed hos, some curly-headed hos and some nappy-headed hos. All that was missing was a bald-headed ho. That turns me on more than anything. Have you had a bald-headed ho?

FISHER: I had a bald-headed ho. She was my girlfriend for almost three years. She was a fine, bald-headed ho with a nice, round ass. I like all hos!

MOORE: That’s crazy as hell, loving all hos equally. Got any good groupie stories?

FISHER:Well, at one point or another they became girlfriends.

MOORE: That’s a trip how that happened.

FISHER: I got kids by a couple.

MOORE: I knew my baby’s momma before we were Fishbone.

Then the band came along, and she was somewhat of a groupie. We got married, had a kid and then the whole War of the Roses divorce. Now she’s just a bitch. Shit!

FISHER: There was a time these two girls took me to an abandoned house in Victoria, British Columbia.We smoked tons of honey-oil hash. Then I fucked them both in this abandoned house. A rat actually crawled over us while we were all fucking. Did it stop your flow at all?

FISHER: Didn’t stop a goddamn thing! It did freak me out a little bit. If that rat would have had at my nut sac, I would have been in trouble. Fishbone has always been the funkiest political band out there. What do you think about what’s going on in the world these days?

MOORE: What’s going on is very unfortunate, is very inconvenient and is the truth. Like that Al Gore movie with the global warming coming up and the glaciers melting and shit. The war in Iraq and Bush still being in office. It’s a big, fucking mess, man!

FISHER: I’m ashamed, and I think that the people of America should be ashamed that Bush is our President for all this damn time now. People just accept him as President when he really didn’t win either election? First time I was like, okay, people aren’t going to take this shit, and they’ll be rioting in the streets. This is America. I forgot that New York got tamed. If they tamed New York, then they can tame the fucking world! George Bush is in the same position that Hitler was in as far as he has just overrun a whole country of people, and those people just sit back and watch this guy act like a dictator over a democratic nation. And they just take it!

MOORE: How are you going to follow a President that got on TV and apologized for the war and said, “I fucked up”? Then after he does that, he sends more troops over there. So who’s really in control? The people certainly aren’t. Bush can say anything he wants to say. Are we doomed?

MOORE: It is going to take a big explosion or implosion. America is going to implode. They’re blowing up everybody else. They’re going to implode from the inside. Something big has to happen before change can come about.

FISHER: I would hope it would be like a revelation rather than a revolution— because you can stop a revolution. But if there is actual revelation where people’s mind are awoken, I don’t know what that might look like or what it might take. Something that couldn’t be stopped. What is the worst stage injury you’ve ever sustained?

FISHER: Angelo taking a gouge out of my shins with his brand-new Doc Martins, steppin’ right into my shins doing some spectacular dance moves. Now Angelo is the man of many injuries.

MOORE: Aw, shit! Where do we begin?

FISHER: Let’s start with what started it all—the Dead Kennedys. MOORE: Dead Kennedys’ 1984 “Dinner Is Served” concert at the Starlight Roller Rink. I seen them skinheads getting up there and jumping. I walked in there with a Jheri curl and a—

FISHER: Flight suit.

MOORE: Flight suit. A pop-lockin’ suit I got from Merry Go Round. I seen them punks run up there and jump off the stage and thought, That looks fun. I ran and did it, and the floor opened up, and I landed straight on my knee. I’m sitting off in the corner, holding my knee, going “Oh, damn! Oh, shit! My knee!” And that’s what started all my punk-rock career. “Oh, damn! Oh, shit! My knee!”

FISHER: You got dead people’s knees now. There were also many times I pissed myself onstage, or when Angelo shit on Japanese TV. Did you really shit on Japanese TV?

MOORE: Did I shit on Japanese TV? Really?

FISHER: Yeah, you did! It was a long time ago. I think we were promoting the second CD, In Your Face.We was on this Japanese TV show, and your insides was whirling—

MOORE: Uh, I was in the interview, and I had to get up and go to the toilet.

FISHER: You didn’t get up and go to the toilet. You shit your pants on fucking Japanese TV.

MOORE: Really? Wow!

FISHER: We were performing, and you went for a high note and lost your bowels. It ran down your socks.

MOORE: Could that have happened?

FISHER: I have pissed my pants several times myself onstage in my career. The first time [was when] we played a show in Baltimore. It was in the fucking winter, and I didn’t know anything about packing for snow. I’m cold as hell, and we’re playing this little room called the 8×10. I wanted to play there because it was one of the few places in America that the Sex Pistols had played. Fuck, yeah! It was so fucking cold, and outside we just got fucked up drinking Jack Daniel’s all day before the shows. In the middle of the set I tried to pinch off my dick, and I just started pissing my pants like crazy. All down into my shoes. I did pull my dick out and pissed on the back of the bass like three times again before the show was over.

MOORE: Shit like that happens—when you gotta go.

VIDEO REVIEW BY K.K. LE ROQUE

This Month, instead of showcasing just one or two actresses’ risqué résumés of nude scenes, we focus on what many of us regard as the most flesh-tastic flick of all time. This campy cult classic boasts more uncovered boobs per minute than any other film since the invention of the movie camera: Showgirls.

Directed by Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct, Robocop, Total Recall, Black Book ) and written by the king of mainstream sleaze, Joe Eszterhas (Basic Instinct, Sliver, Flashdance ), this much-maligned offering is packed with more peaks than any mountain range you’ve ever seen.

The 1995 box-office bomb stars a young and hungry Elizabeth Berkley, who apparently had no choice but to shed her goody-goody image. Before top-lining Showgirls , her biggest credit was a turn as Jessica “Jessie” Spano on the Saturday-morning kids TV show Saved by the Bell. Ironically, Berkley wasn’t the producers’ first choice for wannabe Nomi Malone. Drew Barrymore was originally tapped to portray the stripperturned- starlet. We’re pretty sure that Barrymore—already an established star when Showgirls went into production— wouldn’t have committed to the role like the desperate-for-fame Berkley did.

If seeing the gorgeous blonde topless, bottomless, giving lap dances, working the pole and engaging in simulated sex (in no less than a dozen scenes) is not reason enough to love this film, you also get to see a bunch of anonymous bare-breasted beauties jiggling about in a bunch of production numbers.

Then there’s Gina Gershon. Yes, that Gina Gershon, the tawny bombshell with the pouty lips and penchant for onscreen lesbian lip-locks! Remember Bound? In Showgirls, Gershon—cast as Cristal Connors, the bitchy prima donna of the hottest topless revue on the Las Vegas Strip—is the object of everyone’s desire. The smoldering vixen prances and dances (sans top), and yes, she enjoys a passionate makeout session with halfnaked eager beaver Berkley. Watching Gershon in action, you’re glad the producers didn’t get their first choice, an already-past-her-prime Madonna, to play Cristal.

The laughable plot takes Nomi through the sleazy underbelly of Vegas strip clubs and showrooms. Eventually, she becomes Sin City’s biggest star by pushing Cristal down a flight of stairs.

What else can we say about this must-have DVD? Tits! Boobs! Milk bags! Well, that, and it costars Kyle MacLachlan of Twin Peaks, Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives fame. Did we mentions tits? Finally, thanks to the fine folks at MGM Pictures for providing us with a bevy of steamy images.

We hope you have enjoyed this extra-long look at the most breastacular film ever to grace the silver screen. The new “Fully Exposed” edition of Showgirls is now available on DVD for you to own and savor again and again. And dare we say it? Again! Remember, every month HUSTLER delivers the best in cinematic skin. Let us know what you think by e-mailing us at NakedCelebs@LFP.com.

EVERY ONE LOVES HUSTLER…INCLUDING MÖTLEY CRÜE frontman Vince Neil. We caught up with the rocker as he hosted his annual charity golf tournament in Simi Valley, California.

HUSTLER: What is today’s event all about?
VINCE NEIL: This is our 11th annual tournament, and it’s all about giving back. It is for the Skylar Neil Foundation—named after my daughter—which I started in conjunction with the T.J. Martell Foundation for cancer and leukemia research. I thought it was important, because my daughter passed away from cancer, to give back and raise funds for research to try to kill the disease.

Who is going to play you in the upcoming Mötley Crüe film?
They are not casting any known people to play the band because they thought it would be confusing to get any known actors. They are having known people play the cameos of other people.

Like Christopher Walken as Ozzy Osbourne?
That’s what they were saying when they first started casting. I don’t know where it is at now.

What is the greatest song you have ever written?
I’d probably say “Girls Girls Girls.”

Was that the easiest one to write?
That was pretty easy. You just go down the list of strip clubs.
(Laughs.)

Is today’s golf tourney really just a good excuse to hang out with half-naked porn chicks and strippers?
It’s a great excuse! (Laughs.) It’s a good thing to have a bunch of hot chicks and see friends you haven’t seen in a long time and raise a lot of money.

Stand-up comedian Katt Williams is best known for his pimp-tastic performances in Friday After Next and Norbit. His career continuing to catapult, the diminutive funnyman from Dayton, Ohio, dropped by HUSTLER headquarters for an exclusive Q&A with Music Editor Keith Valcourt. Now find out what it takes to be “ghetto fabulous,” the difference between a bitch and a ho, and
how life under a Katt Williams Presidency wouldn’t be that different from George W. Bush’s corrupt regime.

HUSTLER: You have invented some pretty creative expressions using the N word as a root.
KATT WILLIAMS: I didn’t invent them. I just think maybe I have been bringing them to the forefront. I don’t think I was the first person to say niggerdom. I probably said it best. Sometimes I just mix words together and come up with something. Jesse Jackson has the patent on all of that. So I’m not allowed to actually say I invented any words, because I think Jesse did a lot of it.

After the Michael Richards incident, several prominent comics—including Paul Mooney—came out and said they were not going to use the N word anymore because they thought using it in comedy was no longer funny. What do you think of that?
Respectfully, it is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. I just don’t understand how you are 50 years old—enough time for you to have witnessed that black people have no rights at all—and all of a sudden one white man says nigger three times, and suddenly you have this epiphany. Like the word never hurt you before. It was never a bad word for you until just one moment in 2006.

What do you think of Michael Richards?
I don’t think of him—much like most Americans. I didn’t think of him until that exact moment.

Who have been major influences in your comedy career?
Initially I didn’t know that you could make money telling jokes. I didn’t realize that Richard Pryor was doing that for a living. I didn’t know that Bill Cosby was doing it and getting money for it. I just thought that they were silly, and people caught it. I didn’t know how the whole thing worked. Once I got into comedy, it’s all the usual suspects. I’ve become a student of it and tried to learn from them all. Of course, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, those guys. But just as much George Carlin and Bob Newhart as anybody else.

When did you decide to make a living as a comedian?
When it worked. It worked the first time I did it, and they gave me $50, and I needed that $50. I also knew I had only been up there for five minutes. So I figured, “Five minutes for $50? That’s crack money!” You’re with the big dogs then if you’re making $50 every five minutes. Of course, later on I found out that was five minutes a week.

Your DVD is titled Pimp Chronicles Part 1. What does it take to be a pimp?
It takes an innate ability to not accept the fact that you can’t win. A lot of time winning has to do with not realizing there is another option. In the original connotation of the word pimp, just that fact that you could have somebody else do some work and by that make your living is an amazing concept. I guess that’s why it has lasted so long. That concept in and of itself is what makes all business run. I don’t think Larry Flynt is actually taking the pictures. I don’t think he’s writing the articles and is actually setting up the art and the direction. What I think he’s doing is pimping. And that is important.

What is the difference between a ho and a bitch?
A ho is a job title or a constant state of mind. A ho is something that you are if you are a ho. Being a bitch is sometimes complimentary, sometimes offensive and sometimes matter-of-fact. Women can use it as a means of empowerment for themselves. I think there is an old adage that goes, “If a man does something, he’s a businessman. If a woman does it, she’s a bitch.” There are other connotations to that word, but they are certainly not the same.

Are there any Katt Williams groupies?
I have fans, and then I have strong fans. Then I have fans that would like to exchange sexual favors as appreciation. They say, “I love your work so much, I’d like to suck your dick.” You can’t fault them for that, because you know if they had a vitamin water and I was thirsty, they’d probably offer that.

How does one go from being “ghetto” to “ghetto fabulous”?
Budgeting. Because you are generally placed in the ghetto situation. Few people actually choose to be “ghetto” or choose to be of or from the ghetto. “Ghetto fabulous” comes from good decision-making, risk reward and time management and all that. And maybe some mismanagement of living on
the risk and saying, “I’m not going to pay the rent now; I’m going to get the best rims the world has to offer and worry about the rent later.” To some it may seem stupid, but the ghetto is stupid for people who have never been there. “Ghetto fabulous” is a way of taking nothing and making it look really, really cool.

Are you political and, if so, what do you think about what’s going on in the world today?
What’s going on?

The Iraq War, for starters.
Ah, yes, that old thing. I don’t know. I’d like to be political, but I don’t know enough. I think I know things, but obviously I know nothing. Because I thought that you could go to jail for perjury. I thought that perjury was when you lie and that the law was for everyone. So I would think I’m being naive thinking that way, that if you were to tell millions and millions of people we are going to war with a country because of “this,” and it’s gonna cost 700 billion and the lives of American soldiers, and you know for a fact that you were lying when you said it and then hooking it up with another war. See, we keep forgetting that Afghanistan and Iraq are not the same place, as much as they have tried to meld this into one thing. We’ve been lied to, but I can’t complain about it, because I’m a student of the game. I first and foremost want to know how the game works. I’m getting a lesson through this particular administration that is very gangster. I’m a fan of “gangster.” As much as I would like to hate Bush and his whole regime, I have to begrudgingly accept it.

What would you do if you were President?
I would follow as closely President Bush’s example as I could. I would make sure that all of my friends were taken care of and that their interests tripled or quadrupled—1,000 percent more than they had when I wasn’t President. If one of my friends shot somebody in the face, I’d make sure he got off. I would do whatever was necessary to line the pockets of the people that I roll with. I would also want to follow Bush’s example in not paying attention to what anybody says. Because it’s terrible as a President if you think about it, but as a man, you can do whatever you want to do and say, “Take it or leave it; sorry, that’s the way it is.” I would try to follow his example again. If anyone had messed with my father, I would avenge my father. Who beat up my father? Let’s kill ’em. I guess I’d be Bush too.

Finally, what do you think about HUSTLER Magazine?
Honestly, it has probably been as important to society as any major publication has been. From my experience, it gave you something you couldn’t get anywhere else. I remember having it at an early age, and it was like we were walking around with this treasure, and we passed it on. We put it under our bed. We only had one copy, and it was probably two years old.We knew all the pages and could turn right to the girl we liked best. It was only later I found that they actually had articles in there. I didn’t know why they threw those in. Not only the HUSTLER Magazine, but the HUSTLER story is amazing in and of itself. I’ve never lost sight of the fact that a guy built all this from pictures—pictures of other people. That type of work ethic and dedication in fighting the Establishment is still evident if you’re picking up a HUSTLER Magazine today. I’m impressed.

HUSTLER’s Many Faces of Beauty series gets a Hollywood ending as we commemorate screendom’s most alluring sirens. From Liz’s violet eyes to Marilyn’s lips to Bardot’s derriere to Raquel’s rack, here’s a cavalcade of silver-screen icons who continue to leave viewers breathless.

JEAN HARLOW

JEAN HARLOW played wisecracking, unabashedly
sexual women. Howard Hughes discovered the blond
bombshell for 1930’s aerial drama Hell’s Angels. A year
later she was a mobster’s moll opposite James Cagney
in Public Enemy and a socialite in Platinum Blonde. In
1932’s Red Dust, Harlow’s prostitute has a suggestive
bathtub scene with Clark Gable at an Indochina rubber
plantation. In 1933’s Dinner at Eight, Harlow tells matronly Marie Dressler about an author’s claim that
“machinery is going to take the place of every profession.” Dressler retorts: “That’s something you need never worry about.” Harlow’s husband of two months—Paul Bern, an MGM executive twice her age—ostensibly shot himself. Only 26, Harlow succumbed to kidney failure in 1937 and was interred wearing a negligee in a crypt at Glendale, California’s Forest Lawn Memorial
Park.

RITA HAYWORTH

The daughter of a Ziegfeld Girl and a Spanish dancer, RITA HAYWORTH attained stardom after she anglicized herself, going on to costar in 1941’s Strawberry Blonde. Voluptuous Rita specialized in playing fallen women, such as opera’s Carmen and (in 3-D!) Pago Pago prostitute Sadie Thompson. Gilda (1946) was highlighted by her sizzling rendition of “Put the Blame on Mame.” Hayworth costarred with then-husband Orson Welles in
1947’s The Lady From Shanghai. Two years later she eloped with Prince Aly Khan. Stricken with Alzheimer’s, Hayworth died in 1987.

LANA TURNER

According to legend, while frequenting Schwab’s drugstore on L.A.’s Sunset Boulevard, 15-year-old LANA TURNER wore a clinging sweater that accentuated her ample bosom— and a star was born. In 1946’s The Postman Always Rings Twice, Turner personified film noir’s femme fatales as an adulteress who schemes with drifter John Garfield to murder her husband. The pinup’s résumé includes 1941’s Honky Tonk and Ziegfeld Girl, 1952’s The Bad and the
Beautiful and The Merry Widow and 1955’s The Sea Chase. Lana was Oscar-nominated for 1957’s gossipy Peyton Place and costarred in 1959’s Imitation of Life. Until her death in 1995, the “Sweater Girl” enjoyed a sensational offscreen life. She married seven times and had one child, a daughter who in her early teens killed Turner’s abusive lover, gangster Johnny
Stompanato.

AVA GARDNER

Possessing an exotic allure, AVA GARDNER appeared in Singapore (1947), The Snows of Kilimanjaro (1952), Mogambo (1953), Bhowani
Junction (1956), The Naked Maja (1958) and 55 Days at Peking
(1963). When Robert Walker kisses a statue of the Greek goddess
of beauty in 1948’s One Touch of Venus, the marble figure
comes alive as Ava. Gardner—who married actor Mickey
Rooney, musician Artie Shaw and crooner/actor Frank Sinatra—died in 1990.

GAME, SET AND SNATCH! Well, bare breasts at the very least. Here’s British model Sharlely Kerssenberg and her picture-perfect pair. The ex-girlfriend of onetime tennis boy wonder and European tabloid mainstay Boris Becker has never been shy about showing off her terrific tits. Why would she be? Those melons are absolutely scrumptious! One look at that ridiculous rack will have you reaching for more than your fuzzy balls.

The bottom line on fame is the need to keep your assets in tiptop shape. However, for some A-list celebs, it isn’t so easy. Pop tart Britney Spears has been through a lot lately what with her pending divorce, trips to rehab and flashes of public nudity. Sources say the songbird is now on the mend and preparing for a comeback. Sadly, Britney’s once-stellar ass seems to have absorbed the brunt of all those bad times and may never come back.

Speaking of lackluster fannies, we also present the tail end of Academy Award winner Jodie Foster at the tail end of a long day in front of the camera. You would think an accomplished actress who got her start as a bare-bottomed Coppertone model might pay more attention to her backside. Sorry, Jodie, we appreciate your work so much, we hate to make you the butt of a joke. But….

Got any risqué pics of a famous figure? If you sell them to us, we can show them to he world. You know you want to.
Contact us at NakedCelebs@LFP.com about publishing them.