Hustler Magazine Features

AS MORE AND MORE AMERICANS RENOUNCE ORGANIZED RELIGION, BOISE STATE UNIVERSITY STUDENTS TAKE CENTER STAGE WITH A DEBAPTISM CEREMONY.

by Paige Thomas
from the College Report – HUSTLER MAGAZINE – January 2010

To white lacy garments required this time around, but a developed sense of humor wouldn’t hurt. With just a quick spritz from the spray bottle of “Unholy H2O” and a nice blowjob from the hair dryer labeled “Reason & Inquiry,” the debaptism of Boise State University freshman Mitch Brinton concluded. Wishing to undo a ritual he’d experienced at the ripe old age of eight, Brinton decided to take part in the debaptisms performed on campus by members of the Secular Student Alliance (SSA).

What led him there had been simmering since he was 16. Brinton’s girlfriend of five months called off their relationship, taking his passion and faith with her. Just like any other fine, young Mormon boy, Mitch had planned on going on his mission. But these newfound romantic feelings and the growing doubt about his faith led him, like so many others, to pick up the pieces of his smashed dreams, dust off his thinking cap and enroll in college. Brinton recalled, “Nothing could save me but myself.” From this realization came his dream to one day attend graduate school to study evolutionary psychology or neuroscience.

Brinton’s debaptism was performed by Alicia Clegg, the “Fund Master” of Boise State’s SSA chapter. Proudly wearing an upside-down missionary badge and handing out “Get Out of Hell Free” cards, Clegg remembered the closeness and community her former church provided. “I miss the events and the people,” Clegg lamented.

The following evening, SSA members gathered at a spaghetti dinner honoring the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Embraced by nonbelievers, the fictional deity spoofs organized religion and creationism.) Of course, the main topic of discussion was the debaptism ceremony. Rebecca Ames, Clegg’s girlfriend and a fellow SSA member, was almost giddy with excitement about the “throngs of people who weren’t afraid to say something.”

The large turnout at Boise State University isn’t surprising. The Secular Student Alliance national organization reports over 160 currently affiliated groups—up from 100 in 2008 and only 80 in 2007. In addition, the American Religious Identification Survey (ARIS)—evaluating almost 55,000 people—shows the decline of Christian Americans from 86% in 1990 to 76% today. This statistic might come as a shock to those who consider the United States to be a Christian nation.

Meanwhile, an Internet campaign in Argentina called No en Mi Nombre: Apostasia Colectiva (Not in My Name: Collective Apostasy) has been compiling names of people wishing to renounce their faith. Baptized as infants and children, they now consider themselves to be Roman Catholics in name only. The problem in Argentina is that these individuals are included in membership figures the Church uses to lobby for favorable legislation.

In a Time magazine article, Terry Sanderson—president of Britain’s National Secular Society—described why debaptisms and secularism in general have become so popular. “Churches have become so reactionary, so politically active that people actually want to make a protest against them now. They’re not just indifferent anymore. They’re actively hostile.”

According to the ARIS, “the challenge to Christianity in the U.S. does not come from other religions but rather from a rejection of all forms of organized religion.” This trend was confirmed when the survey reported: “The ‘Nones’ (no stated religious preference, atheist or agnostic) continue to grow, though at a much slower pace than in the 1990s, from 8.2% in 1990 to 14.1% in 2001 to 15% in 2008.” Luke Galen of Grand Valley State University and the Center for Inquiry cooperated for a follow-up study to analyze the characteristics of this population. It found that “among these characteristics, the demographic factor that most distinguished the nonreligious from the U.S. population as a whole was a high level of education.”

Nonreligious people want to be taken seriously, and they’re going about it with humor rather than violence. Smart, funny people seem to be pretty well liked, and the surveys all agree that atheism, agnosticism, humanism, secularism and free thinking are on the rise. The growing number of well-educated nonbelievers in this country should be a sign to the Religious Right that the silence of science is over. Bring out the hot gothic ladies and let’s worship the Internet!

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Paige Thomas is a BSU sophomore majoring in secondary education. An “avid hip-hop fan, nerd, mommy, reader, joker, midnight toker and dog owner,” Thomas reckons, “I’m perhaps a bit of an iconoclast, my heart’s in a bind, and my laptop is attached to my fingertips.”

Attention college reporters: If you have an idea for a story involving your school— streaking, stripping, partying, pranks, protests, political or censorship issues— contact us at Features@LFP.com.

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Yale University’s David Thier examines a surprisingly publicized phenomenon: shower sex.

Last semester, thousands of people across the country opened their newspapers and found a story about two Yale students having sex in a dorm shower. While the supposed decadence and depravity of the elitist Ivy League was making waves, one suddenly infamous couple just laughed their asses off.

They knew that showers are a great place to get it on. The heat gets the blood flowing; wet, slickened bodies make for a great slapping noise; and the participants come out even cleaner than when they’d first stepped in. The situation only gets sticky for later arrivals.

For carnal activities in dormitories, showers may rank right up there with residents’ beds. Many students champing at the bit have discovered that even with a prior arrangement, a frantic midnight call or a sturdy steam shovel, sometimes a roommate just isn’t going to budge. In that case, determined lovebirds head to the showers.

Triggering one couple’s unexpectedly newsworthy tale was a plumbing problem. It seems prolonged showering in Yale’s Calhoun College building can cause the stalls to overflow. The male half of the headline-making duo holds firm that their frolic had nothing to do with the exceptional flooding. “We’re pretty sure that the person that turned us in is just a mean, egotistical bitch,” he said. The couple, both of whom requested anonymity, refused to comment on the hoopla to anyone besides HUSTLER.

Whatever the reason, Professor Jonathan Holloway—the Master of the residential college (one of 12 at Yale)—got wind of the situation. With notable tact, he addressed the subject of shower sex in a bulletin to Calhoun students. “Well, this is the most awkward college-wide e-mail I’ve ever had to send,” Holloway began. He went on to make it clear that while “this may be exciting and pleasurable for you…[the showers] are not to be used by couples engaged in intimate activity—especially that kind of activity that leaves the showers in a decidedly less hygienic state.”

Holloway’s e-mail quickly circulated throughout the Yale student body, delighting and titillating most recipients. Soon the New Haven Register picked up the story, prompting an explosion of Internet buzz and media coverage. Within days, Fox News, USA Today and the New York Times were reporting on what was dubbed “Showergate.” Strangely, people were surprised that there’s sex in the ivory tower.

At Yale we couldn’t get enough of this bizarre attention. While our fellow Americans may have been clicking their tongues and shaking their heads, we were rolling on the floor laughing…and fucking in the showers. The female student who helped get the ball rolling thought that the whole affair “was hilariously overblown.” In the end, nobody was more surprised by the sensationalism than Yalies, but mostly because we couldn’t believe anybody gave a shit.

One blogger, sophomore Dan Gelertner, asserted that this incident was a “new chapter in the story of Yale’s continuing descent  into the depths of moral degradation.” He probably would have been displeased to hear about more horny couples rushing into the showers after they got the idea from the national media. (In the interest of full disclosure, this reporter is guilty as well.)

Come on, Dan, we’re not morally degraded; we just know a good idea when it pops up. Gelertner insists he’s waiting for marriage, but I’m willing to bet if he found a pretty girl to join him for a shower, he’d turn on the hot water, and it would be “thar she blows!”

What’s shocking here isn’t the demise of the Yale man’s haughty image, the debauchery of the elite or the stain on a shower wall. It’s that the mainstream media would expend the slightest space or time to “inform” the American public that college kids have sex in showers. In a world where environmental crises are sometimes relegated to the inner pages of a daily or deep into a newscast, it’s sad to see that an innocuous romantic tryst is deemed so important. Yes, college kids—even those at Yale—have sex in showers. It’s not news.

I recently saw a “Showergate” article printed next to a poignant piece on the homeless dying in cold weather. I can only guess which one more people chose to read.

David Thier, a sophomore at Yale, writes for the arts-and-leisure section of the Yale Daily News.