ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH
from HUSTLER February 2010

“You lie!”, shouted South Carolina’s Joe Wilson as President Barack Obama addressed a joint session of Congress. The liar, however, was Representative Wilson. As Obama had claimed seconds before being heckled by the GOP lawmaker, nothing in the healthcare-reform legislation suggests illegal immigrants would be eligible.

It takes colossal gall to insult a sitting President—in the halls of Congress, no less. But ya know what? We don’t give a rat’s ass about that. We just think it’s too bad the spineless Democrats didn’t treat George W. Bush with as much abject contempt as the Republicans treat Obama. Bush deserved such treatment.

What bothers us about Wilson’s outburst is its apparent underlying racism, especially since nothing like this ever happened before. Consider the following: Wilson is a member of Sons of Confederate Veterans, an organization said to be riddled with radical neo-Confederates who advocate secession and defend slavery.

Beyond that, Wilson served as an aide to Senator Strom Thurmond, a notorious segregationist and racist. In fact, Wilson was so enthralled with Thurmond’s ugly philosophy that he castigated Essie Mae Washington when she came forward to reveal she was Thurmond’s illegitimate biracial daughter. At first, Wilson said Washington was lying, but when Thurmond admitted to being the woman’s father, he called her remarks a “smear.” And, lest we forget, in 2000—as a state senator—Wilson was one of seven Republicans who voted to keep the Confederate flag flying over South Carolina’s State House. The measure was soundly defeated.

Even if Wilson were a staunch supporter of the NAACP and a member of Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow PUSH Coalition and perhaps even black himself, he’d still be an Asshole. Eligible for military service during the Vietnam War, Wilson hid behind deferment after deferment. Then, after graduating from the University of South Carolina School of Law, he miraculously snagged a highly sought-after spot in the Army Reserve. No way was he going to risk his neck for his country. Since Wilson voted in support of the Iraq War, that makes him just another Republican chickenhawk.

Wilson’s hostile position toward the Obama healthcare-reform package probably has less to do with any true philosophical beliefs than it does with hard-nosed political pragmatism: The Congressman has received $414,000 from the health sector since taking his seat in 2001. That might also explain why Wilson voted against healthcare for veterans 11 times, including cuts to the Veterans Administration and TRICARE4. To an outsider looking in, it would appear that the healthcare industry owns Joe Wilson. Actually, if you think about it, that’s kinda like owning Baltimore Avenue when playing Monopoly.

Wilson’s hostility toward healthcare reform and Obama is so obsessive that he supported Bates Motel-crazy Glenn Beck’s 9/12 march on Washington. Remember, it was Beck who made the ludicrous charge that Obama is a “racist.” Wilson’s encounter with the President is not the first time he’s had such extreme outbursts.

According to the Washington Post, Wilson attacked Representative Bob Filner (DCalifornia) while appearing on C-SPAN’s Washington Journal. The reason? Filner had accurately stated that the United States once supplied Saddam Hussein with materials for nuclear and biological weapons. Once again we see that presenting Wilson with the facts does nothing but inflame him. He has contempt for the truth. By extension, it follows he has contempt for the American people. And why shouldn’t he? His distortions and lies have worked for him so far.

You must be contemptuous to say black is white, as it were. Or up is down. Or America has the best healthcare in the world. (We rank 37 in effective treatment and outcomes.) Even though he was demonstrably wrong in asserting that the President was lying, Wilson issued only a perfunctory apology before retreating to a pseudo-populist position by stating he would not “be muzzled.”

Then he started lying again: “Liberals who want to give healthcare to illegals are using my opposition as a distraction….They want to silence anyone who’s against [the government’s healthcare plan].” Just as aggravating, Wilson continues to call the plan “government run” when that’s patently untrue. Obama’s plan would only have the government as the payer—as opposed to the insurance companies— for those using the public option.

What’s really disturbing is that Wilson’s kids are poised to follow in Daddy’s footsteps. His oldest son, Alan McCrory Wilson—a lawyer—has his eye on the South Carolina state attorney general’s seat. Here’s what we can do to nip this nascent dipshit dynasty in the bud: Make a donation to Rob Miller, Joe Wilson’s Democratic opponent in the 2010 elections. (Miller’s Web site is RobMillerForCongress.com.)

Finally, there’s this: Joe Wilson is not really Joe Wilson. The Asshole’s legal name is Addison Graves Wilson Sr. Perhaps it’s a small point, but it does underscore the fact that it’s Wilson who is a liar.

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Rush Limbaugh is an anal cyst on the ass of humanity. This blustering bully who picks on the defenseless is a pill-popping, pathological liar and morbidly obese, hearing-impaired homophobe who can’t get it up without boner pills. Despite his wealth, the thrice-divorced Limbaugh obviously can’t satisfy or keep a woman.

This gutless wonder’s latest victim is 12-year-old Graeme Frost, who suffered head and vocal cord injuries in a 2004 car crash. Following Bush’s September 29 weekly radio address—wherein he vowed to veto expansion of the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP)—Graeme was invited to deliver the Democratic response. “I just hope the President will listen to my story and help other kids to be as lucky as me,” said the youngster, whose costly treatment and prolonged therapy have been covered by SCHIP. But a vetoing Bush kept his cold promise.

Leave it to lily-livered Limbaugh to gleefully assassinate the Frost family’s character, falsely claiming that “these people can clearly afford [health insurance]; they just choose not to.” To help make his point, the childless schlock jock mentioned that Graeme attends a private school—without noting he has a scholarship.

On his October 10, 2007, program, Limbaugh alleged, “The whole thing is bogus…. [A] 12-year-old kid [is] being used to advance a distortion and a lie.” Appearing on Fox’s October 18 Insanity & Colmes show, Rush lied, “I never once attacked this family.” Then, remarkably, he proceeded to mimic Graeme Frost, whining, “I only want healthcare for the rest of American children like I
got, and George Bush is against it.”

This was Limbaugh’s most tasteless exercise since mocking Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s in 2006, claiming the actor “is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He is moving all around and shaking…it’s purely an act.” Snarling, the corpulent Limbaugh then began shaking wildly, mimicking the ailing Fox.

Playing the traitor card, this rotten Republican rottweiler also stalks servicemen and veterans who disagree with Bush’s war policy. On his August 2, 2005, show, Limbaugh smeared ex-Marine Paul Hackett, a Democratic Congressional  candidate, as someone “trying to hide behind a military uniform” and serving in Fallujah “to pad the résumé.”

After Senator Chuck Hagel (RNebraska), a Vietnam vet, voted for a nonbinding resolution opposing Iraq escalation, Limbaugh slandered him as “Senator Betrayus” in January ‘07.

Months later, Limbaugh proved himself a hypocrite by going apeshit over MoveOn.org’s New York Times advertisement headlined “General Petraeus or General Betray Us?” The toxic talker called it “indecent” and “contemptible.”

Here’s what is contemptible: During a September ‘07 broadcast, Limbaugh dubbed GIs favoring withdrawal from Iraq “phony soldiers.” After a firestorm erupted, Rush—true to form—lied about his lies, claiming he was blathering on about Jesse MacBeth, who’d been convicted of misrepresenting himself as
a wounded Iraq War vet.

However, Limbaugh did not mention MacBeth until almost two minutes after uttering his “phony soldiers” remark. But if Rush had been referring to a specific individual, why did he use the plural form of soldier?

Speaking of “phony soldiers,” what about Limbaugh’s own military record? Like many Republican pro-war chicken hawks—notably Bush and Cheney—the closest Rush ever came to combat was watching John Wayne movies. From
a well-connected GOP family, the Missourian avoided being drafted by claiming he had an anal cyst! Poor little Rushy’s tushy saved him from fighting the Vietcong!

Despite his fame and fortune, Limbaugh remains a pathetic loser. In 2006, U.S. Customs officials detained the mouthpiece of the socalled family values party when the lug returned from the Dominican Republic with Viagra for which he
didn’t have a prescription. What was this champion of the Religious Right doing in the Caribbean? Sex tourism? And if so, with whom? Males, females, children, animals?

This Oxy-moron is an admitted drug absuer whose illegal pill-popping has apparently damaged not only his hearing and sexual potency, but also his tenuous grasp on reality. Limbaugh’s skewed view of the way things really are suggests a dope addict’s wild hallucinations.

Why did this asshole stuff his face with OxyContin? Realizing he doesn’t deserve his riches and celebrity status, the well-paid propagandist for the well-heeled lashes out whenever a Graeme Frost or Michael J. Fox puts a face on the real-world implications of the Republicans’ hideous policies.

Ultimately, guilt-ridden Limbaugh hides from this truth with painkillers that never quite do the job. The truth shall set you free, Rush.

Reactionary talking head Tucker Carlson is a perfect example of someone who can move his lips without thinking at the same time. Carlson is as smug as his miserable MSNBC program is low-rated.

As soon as HUSTLER took out a Washington Post ad offering reward money for information about government officials engaging in illicit sex, Carlson went on a jihad. “Larry Flynt is a pig,” the self-righteous prig proclaimed on June 4, “…not a legitimate public persona.”

On July 11, following HUSTLER’s exposure of U.S. Senator David Vitter (R-Louisiana), the conservative attack dog barked about Flynt again, this time at a left-leaning guest: “If you disagree with a policy position …an elected official puts forward, why don’t you argue against it? … Instead, you’re taking a shortcut and just trashing the guy’s personal life? What a sleazy shortcut.”

Of course, Carlson expressed no such outrage circa 1998 when he delighted in the exposure of President Clinton’s consensual affair with intern Monica Lewinsky.

Blowhard Carlson is too brain dead to comprehend that the issue now is not Vitter’s personal peccadilloes, but his hypocrisy in publicly campaigning and legislating one way, while privately living another. It was Vitter who coauthored the Federal Marriage Amendment, which attempted to forbid same-sex nuptials.

Meanwhile, the married lawmaker and father—an outspoken advocate of abstinence-only sex education— was alleycatting with sex-industry pros. If Carlson can’t grasp that taxpayers have the right to know about a holier-than-thou official’s duplicity, maybe it’s because this uptight Tory is dumber than he looks.

Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson (what a fucking pretentious moniker!) is a card-carrying member of the ruling class. Like Prescott Bush (W.’s grandfather), young Tucker attended St. George’s, a Rhode Island prep school. Later he dropped out of patrician Trinity College (after Yale, Connecticut’s second-oldest college), which may explain why he’s too stoopid to understand that we only exposed Vitter to reveal his hypocrisy.

But since Carlson’s stepmommy, Patricia Caroline Swanson, is an heiress of the Swanson frozen-food millions, maybe he didn’t need to graduate—unlike the rest of us plebes. Perhaps Tucker learned propaganda at the knee of his daddy, Richard Carlson, whom Bush Senior appointed as a U.S. ambassador and who was the longest-serving director general of the agitprop outlet Voice of America. When the cavalier Tucker Carlson promotes privilege, he’s defending his class interests.

The despicable Carlson has also publicly applauded terrorism. On June 22, 2005, he snidely sniffed: “I am objectively pro- France. … France blew up the Rainbow Warrior, that Greenpeace ship in Auckland [New Zealand] Harbor in the ’80s. And I’ve always respected them.” Subsequently, the smirking psycho gleefully called the bombing “a bold and beautiful thing to do.”

That’s “beautiful”? Really? How un-Christian can you get, Tucker? Two French terrorists were convicted of arson and manslaughter for killing a member of your own profession— photojournalist Fernando Pereira, father of two small children.

Carlson’s pappy is now vicechairman of the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies (FDD), founded after 9/11 as part of the War on Terror. HUSTLER recently phoned the FDD to ask Ambassador Carlson how proud he was of his sociopathic son’s cheerleading for terrorism, but he wouldn’t comment.

Perhaps Dad is too ashamed. But we’ll comment. Fucker Carlson has just two career “highlights”: (1) when Jon Stewart, appearing on Crossfire, called Carlson “a dick,” getting the bow-tied twit thrown off CNN; and (2) when Carlson was detained for alleged visa violations in Vietnam in 2000.

Face it, Sucker: In a nation of 300 million-plus people, you’re lucky to even have 200,000 viewers. Given your utter lack of personality and talent, you’d never have had a TV show in the first place if you hadn’t been born into the power elite.

We award this month’s anal honor to Paris Hilton for…(drum roll please) nothing! She does nothing. She has accomplished nothing. She is nothing except a grade-B actress in a homemade porn movie. The mother of all dumb blondes, she is, as the saying goes, famous for being famous. And nothing more. Zero. Nada. Nichts.

A walking argument for the estate tax and radical redistribution of wealth, Hilton is the icon for everything superficial and meaningless. This high school dropout is so vacuous, she makes Terri Schiavo look like Albert Einstein. In a world of poverty, menace and death, Hilton finds that life is just a party.

Hilton was first thrust into the public consciousness with her amateur sex video, reputedly made with then-boyfriend Rick Salomon. (How proud her parents must be. Do they have a framed picture of their daughter with a dick in her mouth?) This was followed by her TV show, The Simpleton Life; a salacious but failed ad for Carl’s Jr.; a failed horror movie; and a failed record album.

Hilton does nothing for society. During the 2004 Presidential race, she modeled T-shirts for Sean “P. Diddy” Combs’s “Vote or Die!” campaign, aimed at getting youth and minorities out to the polls. However, Paris herself didn’t register to vote.

Absorbed in her extravagant lifestyle, the multimillionaire isn’t on the board of the philanthropical, $2.5-billion Conrad N. Hilton Foundation, which has offices in L.A., where Paris resides. This rich bitch’s idea of “giving back” is conceding to donate a percentage of the $400,000 from an out-of-court settlement for her porn video, but the celebutard reportedly never contributed one cent from the infamous fuck flick to charity.

Hilton’s debut single spawned a plagiarism lawsuit. CBS and AP reported that in 2006 a court granted event producer Brian Quintana a restraining order against Paris for allegedly harassing him.

Meanwhile, this mansion trash’s biggest “accomplishment” has been her dangerous driving, which brought Hilton up against the law, motherfucker. Weaving down a Hollywood street in her Mercedes on September 7, 2006, Hilton was busted for “unlawfully driv[ing]…under the influence of an alcoholic beverage and a drug.”

On January 22, 2007, when the no-show pled—through her attorneys— no contest to the reduced charge of alcohol-related reckless driving, Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer sentenced Hilton to three years probation and ordered her into an alcohol-education program.

The haughty heiress, who failed to enroll in the mandated alcoholeducation course, was caught twice driving without a valid license. The clueless heir-head claimed she didn’t even know she was breaking the law. (Well, lah-dee-fucking-dah!) Unimpressed, Judge Sauer revoked Paris’s probation and sentenced her to 45 days in the pokey.

At an MTV awards ceremony (where she was deservedly razzed) shortly before beginning her sentence, Hilton claimed she wanted “to be treated like everyone else. I’m going to do the time [and] I’m going to do it the right way.” Yeah, right. These words proved to be emptier than her head. Even though her royal highness was housed in the jail’s “special needs” unit with its two-person cells reserved for celebs, the pampered princess—deprived of her usual wretched excess—apparently experienced a meltdown. (Did Paris break a nail?)

Within three days, L.A. Sheriff Lee Baca released Hilton to serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest at her luxurious Hollywood Hills mansion. (Oh, the injustice!) But an outraged Judge Sauer had the spoiled brat handcuffed and thrown into a police car, the prisoner weeping while being hauled back to court. There, Sauer ordered her returned to jail, prompting the crybaby to throw a courtroom temper tantrum, screaming at the top of her lungs: “Mom! It’s not right!”

What wasn’t “right,” Miss Hilton? That you’re not above the law? That like every other citizen and felon, you have to obey the rules? That if you behave like a menace to society, you’ll be treated like one and held accountable? And that you aren’t better than the rest of us?

On behalf of the peasantry, go fuck yourself, Paris! (And please don’t make a video of it.)

Asshole of the Month: Paris Hilton.